Astonishing Tales Of Mediocrity

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-09-05

Brandon Mendelson — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 02:55:00 +0000

Wife: Why are you peeing standing up?Me: To save time. #
@iamhaen Can you blame me? Kanye is a comedian's wet dream. in reply to iamhaen #
@rosscott Thanks for the comic! in reply to rosscott #
@givants two of the things I hate the most. in reply to givants #
@kyluckylady I sure hope not. Fleas for sure … in reply to kyluckylady #
@AussiBeachLover Not an author just yet. Hope to be one by the end of the Fall if all works as planned. in reply to AussiBeachLover #
Fact: Grandma hates Linux. #
@christinebutz You can always email me. My address is on the contact page of my website. in reply to christinebutz #
@AussiBeachLover Thanks! I will keep you posted. in reply to AussiBeachLover #
@HighMindedMW Totally agree. in reply to HighMindedMW #
@TallGirl68 No wonder people don't take the Padres seriously. in reply to TallGirl68 #
@zemat84 Just me. in reply to zemat84 #
Have any of you made bucket lists and been judged by what's on them? "THAT'S what you want to do before you die?" #
@Lilz32 A yearly bucket list? Do you plan on dying every year and change it when you survive another one? in reply to Lilz32 #
@Lilz32 That's a good way to think. I approve! in reply to Lilz32 #
My rectum doesn't give my colon an award for doing a good job. Just saying. #
If I ever get an award on a TV, you better beleive I'm going to flash someone, do two lines of cocaine on the podium, then kill the emcee. #
@GinaBrillon I am so in! in reply to GinaBrillon #
Because really, its live television. If you're not taking advantage of it, you're boring everyone. #
@blackjkspollock Like I care. in reply to blackjkspollock #
@soartmodel That goes without saying. in reply to soartmodel #
@mrsduby I hate everything. in reply to mrsduby #
If you get it right the first time, you won't need a second chance. #
October will mark ten years of failure in the entertainment business. I plan to have cake and icecream and share none of it with you. #
Overheard at the library: I'm here to masturbate and have a great time doing it. #
Home Depot's new ad campaign: If you're going to hang yourself, we got what you need! #
Why is it that if I were to break into your house and "borrow" something it's stealing, but on the web it's called "curation"? #
Home Depot: More people kill themselves after shopping with us than any other store! #
Me: I want to see Machete. It has an all-star cast. Wife: Isn't Lindsay Lohan in it? Me: Is it too late to take back "all-star cast"? #
@GinaBrillon Any opportunity to harm stupid people? Totally. in reply to GinaBrillon #
Beauty & The Beast's Belle Has Some Excellent Advice For Your Children http://youtu.be/Uuk-h2ZYNJU! #
Moving this week. Aside from dying, this is the least pleasant of all human experiences. #
Every time national grid asks me if I'm calling to report a gas leak, I giggle and think about farting into the phone #
@zemat84 In 95% of cases, it never works out if priorities are different in reply to zemat84 #
@worldwidejake What can I say? in reply to worldwidejake #
@oskaaron I may still do it. We'll see how bored I am when I call them next week. in reply to oskaaron #
There is something very 80's and very hilarious about this http://apne.ws/ax8Yz2 #
Looking into growing myself a tail so I'll have a more public-appropriate way to kill time. #
There's something oddly funny about seeing support groups for over-eaters and dieters next to each other. #
"Sturdy" and "Reliable" are not terms that inspire much confidence #
I don't understand why people have outdoor cats. Why do I want to pay for something I never see, doesn't love me, and shits on my lawn? #
@UBetcha_Apparel Nothing a hammer and several cease and desist letters from PETA can't deal with in reply to UBetcha_Apparel #
@KatHumble Very true. in reply to KatHumble #
@Quiet2010 Saying freedom is against the law in America. You may not say freedom unless you are being ironic, and even then, watch your back in reply to Quiet2010 #
@Mariablanca My thoughts exactly. in reply to Mariablanca #
I just got an email that said, "Brandon Mendelson: Viagra Dealer". Well. Since I AM looking for work, why not? #
@Tom_Godell Totally. Our soon-to-be former neighbors have an outdoor cat and we live on a very busy road. I'm impressed it's still alive. in reply to Tom_Godell #
@cricketfox They do that. The ones at my parent's house. They are also into inter-species sex. I'm not kidding. in reply to cricketfox #
@AnnyVieira I'm from America! in reply to AnnyVieira #
If you're in NYC tonight, I want you to go see @GinaBrillon perform at the Gotham Comedy Club. Do it or I'll hate you forever. #
@maxhuffman I love it. in reply to maxhuffman #
@mandibus If only the Deli was called Fatty's in reply to mandibus #
Want to get your hands on an awesome graphic novel and help the homeless? I'll have details soon … #
@cricketfox Off the top of my head? No. But I'm looking forward to Mr. Clean's E! True Hollywood Story when it comes out … in reply to cricketfox #
@christinebutz Thanks! I am working on the fundraising page tomorrow. in reply to christinebutz #
@christinebutz I can arrange something like that. in reply to christinebutz #
@TallGirl68 Well … they ARE the Padres;-) in reply to TallGirl68 #
@cricketfox Not true. He had that bout with AIDS and performed (briefly) in Angels if America before getting fired for beating a hobo. in reply to cricketfox #
America: Farting with the bathroom door open and not flushing since 1776. #
@sboulton I love it! I must purchase this item immediately. in reply to sboulton #
No WWE Raw tweets tonight. The television is currently being used by someone who isn't actuay watching it. #
Actually, my wife and I are going without TV once we move next week. So, I may switch to Smackdown and other WWE shows that are on Hulu. #
@sboulton Awesome! in reply to sboulton #
@sboulton Are they the full episodes of Raw? in reply to sboulton #
@GinaBrillon Happy to plug. Glad to hear the set went well too! in reply to GinaBrillon #
@cricketfox I know, right? Mr. Clean is a badass. in reply to cricketfox #
@GinaBrillon Thanks! When I have something to shill you'll be the first person to know. in reply to GinaBrillon #
@sboulton Yeah, Hulu's rights issues are stupid. Clips should work ok. If not, I still have NXT, Smackdown, and Superstars to mock! in reply to sboulton #
Why don't the Olympics have a competition for sleeping? #
@EJHarnois Great choice. Thing is, I got Roadrunner Turbo just so I could veg out with Netflix. Not sure we're better off;-) in reply to EJHarnois #
@marihawebster I think you totally would to. I try not to sleep. It's a terrible use of time. in reply to marihawebster #
@Daisyface1 But that just shows there is no shortage of competition to be the world's best sleeper. in reply to Daisyface1 #
Kurt Angle calls himself the World's Greatest Athlete because of his Olympic Gold Medals. I want to call myself the World's Greatest Sleeper #
@EJHarnois I like that definition a lot. in reply to EJHarnois #
In the next few months, I plan to ask for your money. I assure you, none of it will go toward my growing addiction to crack cocaine. #
I wouldn't even know how to go about purchasing crack cocaine. I live in Glens Falls. Old people live here … And they like the reefer. #
@philip01 I'm unemployed. I can sleep the whole day away and no one will notice or care. It's awesome. in reply to philip01 #
Taking advantage of my unemployment to write a graphic novel, and then crowdfund the thing so we can get it published. Go productivity! #
@christinebutz I appreciate it:). I'll have the fundraising page up soon in reply to christinebutz #
Taking your suggestions: How can we make the comic creation process transparent so that you can follow along with it? #
. @theisb I often wonder if a suicide note written by Bizzaro would say, "Hello, beautiful world!" #
Stop The Mosque At Ground Zero. Worst Protest Song Ever? http://bit.ly/9B1quA #
whoever invented packing is an asshole #
"I don't feel so well" "Why?" "I think it's because of all that time I spend masturbating." #
@K33_K33 It would be if it was a real conversation in reply to K33_K33 #
@Theoneupper My left hand can rival the Incredible Hulk in an arm wrestling contest. in reply to Theoneupper #
@shannongeil Wouldn't that be awesome if you could just take possession of other people's stuff when you moved in? in reply to shannongeil #
Old rule: I will come to your place of work and punch you in the face at your place of work if you use the word synergy in an email to me. #
New Rule: If you use LOLSpeak in an email to me, I will come to your place of work and strangle you. #
@agent3012 Brandon AT BrandonMEndelson Dot Com . Bring it on! in reply to agent3012 #
@simpleelovlee Tweets are ok, but I'm so tired of the LOLcats thing and that douche cashing in on something he didn't even create in reply to simpleelovlee #
! @JLCherry I'm ok with emoticons because people are retarded and often need the help they provide. #
@Woohoo_Barz That is the first time I've heard the word conversate, and I want to stab myself now. Thanks. in reply to Woohoo_Barz #
@ValuePagesGroup That's all it takes. Or if you wait long enough, I might just go full hobo and eat out of your trash can this winter. in reply to ValuePagesGroup #
@flying_c4rr0t Business speak can be brutal. It makes dumb people think they're smart, so I understand their purpose, but I agree with you. in reply to flying_c4rr0t #
Potential Supervillains: I want to bring to your attention the presence of an abandoned Six Flags amusement park in New Orleans. That is all #
@Ken_Doll_PMF I used to work for a stripper who pulled down $250,000 a year as a salary. No way I could afford one. in reply to Ken_Doll_PMF #
@sheepodoom I don't mine 1337 in reply to sheepodoom #
I know. I'm a night late. The following are Monday Night Raw tweets with the #WWE tag. #
Bret Hart is not rocking his Batman t-shirt this evening. I am deeply disapponted. #WWE #
Trivia: Kane used to be Dr. Isaac Yankem DDS. His first opponent? Bret Hart. If you ask me, Kane needs his Jew Fro back. #WWE #
@Rhetski The one in the same. in reply to Rhetski #
When did Kane become good on the mic? He used to sound mentally challenged. Now? Less so. #wwe #
@sboulton gotta love the DVR! in reply to sboulton #
@Rhetski Sort of. He doesn't wrestle. Bret Hart generally stands around now and tries not to be useless. #wwe in reply to Rhetski #
Oh Michael Cole, no one on the Internet likes you either. #wwe #
"We're going to find out what happens when a tornado meets a volcano"? Really? I'm pretty sure lava spews everywhere and people die. #WWE #
For someone with crosses all over their wrestling attire, that Michelle McCool sure is an asshole. #wwe #
Fact: That Divas match ended in the time it took to write this tweet. #wwe #
Wade Barret has a plan, but if it doesn't involve free ice cream and fireworks, I don't think anyone cares. #wwe #
Chris Jericho is constipated. #wwe #
I like that this monumental program for kids is brought to you by a video game that promotes murder and criminal activity. #wwe #
@Ken_Doll_PMF I shall! in reply to Ken_Doll_PMF #
I know I just saw that tag team match with R-Truth in it, but I don't remember what happend. #wwe #
I am going to watch Smackdown! Just for Kane. But, they need to change the name of the show to, "Watch Kane Be A Dick For Two Hours". #wwe #
If I wasn't concerned about her killing me with all that fried chicken she's selling, I'd date the Popeye's spokeswoman. #
@shaundekid_capo It's from yesterday. I am watching Raw on the DVR in reply to shaundekid_capo #
Couple of quick takes:1) Is Jack Swagger like some sort of Kurt Angle clone? 2) I don't know this Alberto Del Rio, but I'm a fan. #wwe #
@sboulton I really need to start watching Smackdown! Also, I love, "El JLB", that's a great analogy. in reply to sboulton #
@healincomfort I rememeber. How's it going? in reply to healincomfort #
CM Punk has the line of the night about Brock Lesnar: "I don't know who that other guy is." #wwe #
@TallGirl68 Some day respectability will come to San Diego. in reply to TallGirl68 #
CM Punk, another line of the night: "You're not funny and no one likes you." #wwe #
The last line of the Edge Slimjim commercial is, "Eat it and beat it?". Sounds a lot like a porn title than an ad for beef jerky to me #wwe #
@hustlythehusky It'll never happen. Wild animals would rat the zombies and they'd likely fall apart before getting to us. in reply to hustlythehusky #
Michael Cole, you don't need to tell me three times that Cena and Orton have history. I'm crazy, not stupid. #wwe #
Almost all is right in the world. The Yankees are in first, Wade Barret got the win over the overrated Randy Orton, and we're moving tommoow #
If the world ends, there's nothing you can do about it. Telling people it's the end times just makes you an asshole. #
Everything that happens on this planet is chaotic, horrible, and random. Your job as a human is to stay positive about it. #
@healincomfort Glad I can do my part. These days I am focusing on keeping people laughing. in reply to healincomfort #
@Spectoral Exactly. I'm just tired of people complaining about it. in reply to Spectoral #
@ktjlarsen Me neither, but that's how it is. in reply to ktjlarsen #
@healincomfort I appreciate that very much. in reply to healincomfort #
The cows are killing us with their farting. #
. @lagilagicicik I'm from Glens Falls, New York. We have a hockey team and a paper factory. Don't fuck with us! in reply to lagilagicicik #
@lagilagicicik I'm kidding. Nice to speak with you. in reply to lagilagicicik #
Whenever I wear the @Tuckermax I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell shirt, someone always walks up to me and goes, "I sure hope they do." #
It was funny the first few times, now I'm just annoyed by these people. So, I'm going to tell them that there is no hell. #
When you die, you become worm food. Drink all the beer you can. #
Teenage girls should not be allowed on Facebook until they are made aware that we're laughing at them, not with them. #
@chlo1238 If you can't figure out how to block someone on Twitter, you're retarded. in reply to chlo1238 #
@Don_Martin2 Please report her. Not kidding. :-) in reply to Don_Martin2 #
@EnergyMaster I don't, but that's the thing, no one does. I rather assume the worse and be pleasantly surprised in reply to EnergyMaster #
@sylvia98 If you hang around, I will. Have to get rid of the stupid among my followers first. in reply to sylvia98 #
@TehranSoParvaz I have not, but I'll take your word for it. in reply to TehranSoParvaz #
Moving. Until I get back, I recommend Play-Doh. Just don't eat it, your shit will smell funny for weeks, but you won't be laughing. #
@kimmiecakes02 I was called an a-hole? in reply to kimmiecakes02 #
So many stairs … I was all ready to walk into the Congressman's office and ask him to promote legislation to burn buildings w/o elevators #
At night I can see clearly into the Burger King. That's right. I am watching you get fat. #
@jomartin26 Only if it was a classy hooker in reply to jomartin26 #
@YourWorstEnema Nope. Not a thing. in reply to YourWorstEnema #
There is a funeral home next to a pizza place in South Glens Falls. I wonder, if I were to kill someone there, would I get a discount? #
@ddmatthews Either / or. in reply to ddmatthews #
@ddmatthews That's an excellent call in reply to ddmatthews #
@theisb Who is your daddy and what does he do (my question for Nate) in reply to theisb #
I was thinking about starting a not-for-profit, but aside from @hardlynormal and a few others, people who work for not-for-profits are crazy #
That's five years of working with and for
local, regional, and national not-for-profits talking. It's sad but I have yet to see a normal one #
And by normal, I mean not a bunch of crooks like a lot of the national ones are, and not criminally inept like some smaller ones are. #
There's no joke here. Just something to think about. #
@theblacklily At least with the many I've worked with, they're all crazy. in reply to theblacklily #
@FreshBoySteph It's coming. Just had to get that mini-rant out of the way. in reply to FreshBoySteph #
@eliezercazares Every country is arrogant. America is like the Justin Bieber of countries, it's an easy target. in reply to eliezercazares #
@alisausa It's true. Susan G. Komen and Wounded Warrior Project pay outrageous salaries to their employees. in reply to alisausa #
@johncsmith88 Good call. in reply to johncsmith88 #
America is the Justin Bieber of the world. Easy to hate, fun to pick on, but others are way bigger losers. #
@eliezercazares Have you ever read their declaration of independence? in reply to eliezercazares #
Who picks up all the batarangs Batman litters Gotham with? #
@Ken_Doll_PMF Maybe, but there's only on way to find out? in reply to Ken_Doll_PMF #
I am not going to see "Devil" when it comes out. Why? We both know it's Steve Jobs torturing those people in the elevator. #
@eliezercazares Read it or Google it. You'll see. in reply to eliezercazares #
@eliezercazares normally? Yes. Today, too exhausted from moving. in reply to eliezercazares #
Whiffing more than connecting tonight. Let's blame the moving because it's not often I can blame my failures on something. #
Things I want to know: Do pot dealers give you a discount on your birthday? #
Have you checked in at a rape dungeon yet on Foursquare? #
@ChicaTierna Yep. And I'm totally cool with that. I'm not going to go quietly into the 9-5 life without having some fun. in reply to ChicaTierna #
@Richie_Browne Or time to double your order in reply to Richie_Browne #
Offensive Bumper Stickers: Nuke Japan. #
@ChicaTierna Happy early birthday to you. Mine is a long, long, long time from now. in reply to ChicaTierna #
If I'm going to go down in flames, I'm taking you all with me. Goodnight! #
They should create a new version of Cops where they beat you in front of your coworkers before arresting you. The show's name? "Fucked" #
@healincomfort Thanks! in reply to healincomfort #
What is the return policy on a Bible you bought at the dollar store? #
. @oskaaron It's the bible. What are they going to give me as a trade-in? A lead-lined shower curtain? #
@Ken_Doll_PMF Thanks! Tell your friends. I require constant reassurance to live! in reply to Ken_Doll_PMF #
What do you tell the dollar store when you're returning a bible? "I'm sorry. This religion is defective. I'd like a new one." #
@dreaming_angie Was it used? in reply to dreaming_angie #
Hey, I'm going to be without regular Internet access for about a week. So, unless I die in a tragic moving accident, I am very much alive. #
Rumors suggesting I was killed by an Asian woman dressed as Wonder Woman are also not true. #
She got her money. #
@ElevationGrace Not by choice, but I won't have Internet until late Wednesday afternoon. in reply to ElevationGrace #
@mrsduby I may sneak into the library to get on, but my laptop is not exactly dependable when not attached to a fan and running on battery in reply to mrsduby #
@mrsduby Exactly! in reply to mrsduby #
There was another oil rig explosion today. Man those fish-people in Atlantis are going to be pissed. #
@PAMINSC Not sure. CNN covered the story and I refuse to watch their channel. in reply to PAMINSC #
@bbrandon5567 There was an asian woman who did her stunts? I didn't know that. I was referring to Akira Lane in reply to bbrandon5567 #
Will be (mostly) offline until September 9th thanks to Time Warner moving at the speed of death. Until I get back, courage. #
@GinaBrillon Blame Time Warner! in reply to GinaBrillon #
Signing off. If you miss me, amuse yourself here and feel free to share the link with friends http://bit.ly/9fCBBO #
@BjanaFabrice Isn't it? in reply to BjanaFabrice #
I'm back temporarily to bring you the following jokes: #
So, the only way to get to the dumpster is by walking by a busy bistro were people are walking outside. #
*eating, not walking #
That means, as people are eating expensive meals, I'm walking by them with bags of cat crap. Bon Appetit! #
If I had a band, I'd call them "Good", and we would have stickers and buttons that say "Do Good". And no, it's not promoting activism. #
New Phrase: "Jew Tired". When you are "Jew Tired" you have entire conversations consisting of the word "Meh", "Feh", and "Eh" #
Ok. I'm out. Go here for laughs until I'm back next week: http://bit.ly/br3UAU #
@ChicaTierna Will be back full time on Wednesday afternoon in reply to ChicaTierna #

Twitter Updates for 2010-09-05

Brandon Mendelson — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 09:00:00 +0000

@ChicaTierna Will be back full time on Wednesday afternoon in reply to ChicaTierna #

Twitter Updates for 2010-09-04

Brandon Mendelson — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 09:00:00 +0000

@BjanaFabrice Isn't it? in reply to BjanaFabrice #
I'm back temporarily to bring you the following jokes: #
So, the only way to get to the dumpster is by walking by a busy bistro were people are walking outside. #
*eating, not walking #
That means, as people are eating expensive meals, I'm walking by them with bags of cat crap. Bon Appetit! #
If I had a band, I'd call them "Good", and we would have stickers and buttons that say "Do Good". And no, it's not promoting activism. #
New Phrase: "Jew Tired". When you are "Jew Tired" you have entire conversations consisting of the word "Meh", "Feh", and "Eh" #
Ok. I'm out. Go here for laughs until I'm back next week: http://bit.ly/br3UAU #

Twitter Updates for 2010-09-03

Brandon Mendelson — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 09:00:00 +0000

They should create a new version of Cops where they beat you in front of your coworkers before arresting you. The show's name? "Fucked" #
@healincomfort Thanks! in reply to healincomfort #
What is the return policy on a Bible you bought at the dollar store? #
. @oskaaron It's the bible. What are they going to give me as a trade-in? A lead-lined shower curtain? #
@Ken_Doll_PMF Thanks! Tell your friends. I require constant reassurance to live! in reply to Ken_Doll_PMF #
What do you tell the dollar store when you're returning a bible? "I'm sorry. This religion is defective. I'd like a new one." #
@dreaming_angie Was it used? in reply to dreaming_angie #
Hey, I'm going to be without regular Internet access for about a week. So, unless I die in a tragic moving accident, I am very much alive. #
Rumors suggesting I was killed by an Asian woman dressed as Wonder Woman are also not true. #
She got her money. #
@ElevationGrace Not by choice, but I won't have Internet until late Wednesday afternoon. in reply to ElevationGrace #
@mrsduby I may sneak into the library to get on, but my laptop is not exactly dependable when not attached to a fan and running on battery in reply to mrsduby #
@mrsduby Exactly! in reply to mrsduby #
There was another oil rig explosion today. Man those fish-people in Atlantis are going to be pissed. #
@PAMINSC Not sure. CNN covered the story and I refuse to watch their channel. in reply to PAMINSC #
@bbrandon5567 There was an asian woman who did her stunts? I didn't know that. I was referring to Akira Lane in reply to bbrandon5567 #
Will be (mostly) offline until September 9th thanks to Time Warner moving at the speed of death. Until I get back, courage. #
@GinaBrillon Blame Time Warner! in reply to GinaBrillon #
Signing off. If you miss me, amuse yourself here and feel free to share the link with friends http://bit.ly/9fCBBO #

Twitter Updates for 2010-09-02

Brandon Mendelson — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 09:00:00 +0000

CM Punk has the line of the night about Brock Lesnar: "I don't know who that other guy is." #wwe #
@TallGirl68 Some day respectability will come to San Diego. in reply to TallGirl68 #
CM Punk, another line of the night: "You're not funny and no one likes you." #wwe #
The last line of the Edge Slimjim commercial is, "Eat it and beat it?". Sounds a lot like a porn title than an ad for beef jerky to me #wwe #
@hustlythehusky It'll never happen. Wild animals would rat the zombies and they'd likely fall apart before getting to us. in reply to hustlythehusky #
Michael Cole, you don't need to tell me three times that Cena and Orton have history. I'm crazy, not stupid. #wwe #
Almost all is right in the world. The Yankees are in first, Wade Barret got the win over the overrated Randy Orton, and we're moving tommoow #
If the world ends, there's nothing you can do about it. Telling people it's the end times just makes you an asshole. #
Everything that happens on this planet is chaotic, horrible, and random. Your job as a human is to stay positive about it. #
@healincomfort Glad I can do my part. These days I am focusing on keeping people laughing. in reply to healincomfort #
@Spectoral Exactly. I'm just tired of people complaining about it. in reply to Spectoral #
@ktjlarsen Me neither, but that's how it is. in reply to ktjlarsen #
@healincomfort I appreciate that very much. in reply to healincomfort #
The cows are killing us with their farting. #
. @lagilagicicik I'm from Glens Falls, New York. We have a hockey team and a paper factory. Don't fuck with us! in reply to lagilagicicik #
@lagilagicicik I'm kidding. Nice to speak with you. in reply to lagilagicicik #
Whenever I wear the @Tuckermax I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell shirt, someone always walks up to me and goes, "I sure hope they do." #
It was funny the first few times, now I'm just annoyed by these people. So, I'm going to tell them that there is no hell. #
When you die, you become worm food. Drink all the beer you can. #
Teenage girls should not be allowed on Facebook until they are made aware that we're laughing at them, not with them. #
@chlo1238 If you can't figure out how to block someone on Twitter, you're retarded. in reply to chlo1238 #
@Don_Martin2 Please report her. Not kidding. :-) in reply to Don_Martin2 #
@EnergyMaster I don't, but that's the thing, no one does. I rather assume the worse and be pleasantly surprised in reply to EnergyMaster #
@sylvia98 If you hang around, I will. Have to get rid of the stupid among my followers first. in reply to sylvia98 #
@TehranSoParvaz I have not, but I'll take your word for it. in reply to TehranSoParvaz #
Moving. Until I get back, I recommend Play-Doh. Just don't eat it, your shit will smell funny for weeks, but you won't be laughing. #
@kimmiecakes02 I was called an a-hole? in reply to kimmiecakes02 #
So many stairs … I was all ready to walk into the Congressman's office and ask him to promote legislation to burn buildings w/o elevators #
At night I can see clearly into the Burger King. That's right. I am watching you get fat. #
@jomartin26 Only if it was a classy hooker in reply to jomartin26 #
@YourWorstEnema Nope. Not a thing. in reply to YourWorstEnema #
There is a funeral home next to a pizza place in South Glens Falls. I wonder, if I were to kill someone there, would I get a discount? #
@ddmatthews Either / or. in reply to ddmatthews #
@ddmatthews That's an excellent call in reply to ddmatthews #
@theisb Who is your daddy and what does he do (my question for Nate) in reply to theisb #
I was thinking about starting a not-for-profit, but aside from @hardlynormal and a few others, people who work for not-for-profits are crazy #
That's five years of working with and for
local, regional, and national not-for-profits talking. It's sad but I have yet to see a normal one #
And by normal, I mean not a bunch of crooks like a lot of the national ones are, and not criminally inept like some smaller ones are. #
There's no joke here. Just something to think about. #
@theblacklily At least with the many I've worked with, they're all crazy. in reply to theblacklily #
@FreshBoySteph It's coming. Just had to get that mini-rant out of the way. in reply to FreshBoySteph #
@eliezercazares Every country is arrogant. America is like the Justin Bieber of countries, it's an easy target. in reply to eliezercazares #
@alisausa It's true. Susan G. Komen and Wounded Warrior Project pay outrageous salaries to their employees. in reply to alisausa #
@johncsmith88 Good call. in reply to johncsmith88 #
America is the Justin Bieber of the world. Easy to hate, fun to pick on, but others are way bigger losers. #
@eliezercazares Have you ever read their declaration of independence? in reply to eliezercazares #
Who picks up all the batarangs Batman litters Gotham with? #
@Ken_Doll_PMF Maybe, but there's only on way to find out? in reply to Ken_Doll_PMF #
I am not going to see "Devil" when it comes out. Why? We both know it's Steve Jobs torturing those people in the elevator. #
@eliezercazares Read it or Google it. You'll see. in reply to eliezercazares #
@eliezercazares normally? Yes. Today, too exhausted from moving. in reply to eliezercazares #
Whiffing more than connecting tonight. Let's blame the moving because it's not often I can blame my failures on something. #
Things I want to know: Do pot dealers give you a discount on your birthday? #
Have you checked in at a rape dungeon yet on Foursquare? #
@ChicaTierna Yep. And I'm totally cool with that. I'm not going to go quietly into the 9-5 life without having some fun. in reply to ChicaTierna #
@Richie_Browne Or time to double your order in reply to Richie_Browne #
Offensive Bumper Stickers: Nuke Japan. #
@ChicaTierna Happy early birthday to you. Mine is a long, long, long time from now. in reply to ChicaTierna #
If I'm going to go down in flames, I'm taking you all with me. Goodnight! #

Twitter Updates for 2010-09-01

Brandon Mendelson — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 09:00:00 +0000

Why don't the Olympics have a competition for sleeping? #
@EJHarnois Great choice. Thing is, I got Roadrunner Turbo just so I could veg out with Netflix. Not sure we're better off;-) in reply to EJHarnois #
@marihawebster I think you totally would to. I try not to sleep. It's a terrible use of time. in reply to marihawebster #
@Daisyface1 But that just shows there is no shortage of competition to be the world's best sleeper. in reply to Daisyface1 #
Kurt Angle calls himself the World's Greatest Athlete because of his Olympic Gold Medals. I want to call myself the World's Greatest Sleeper #
@EJHarnois I like that definition a lot. in reply to EJHarnois #
In the next few months, I plan to ask for your money. I assure you, none of it will go toward my growing addiction to crack cocaine. #
I wouldn't even know how to go about purchasing crack cocaine. I live in Glens Falls. Old people live here … And they like the reefer. #
@philip01 I'm unemployed. I can sleep the whole day away and no one will notice or care. It's awesome. in reply to philip01 #
Taking advantage of my unemployment to write a graphic novel, and then crowdfund the thing so we can get it published. Go productivity! #
@christinebutz I appreciate it:). I'll have the fundraising page up soon in reply to christinebutz #
Taking your suggestions: How can we make the comic creation process transparent so that you can follow along with it? #
. @theisb I often wonder if a suicide note written by Bizzaro would say, "Hello, beautiful world!" #
Stop The Mosque At Ground Zero. Worst Protest Song Ever? http://bit.ly/9B1quA #
whoever invented packing is an asshole #
"I don't feel so well" "Why?" "I think it's because of all that time I spend masturbating." #
@K33_K33 It would be if it was a real conversation in reply to K33_K33 #
@Theoneupper My left hand can rival the Incredible Hulk in an arm wrestling contest. in reply to Theoneupper #
@shannongeil Wouldn't that be awesome if you could just take possession of other people's stuff when you moved in? in reply to shannongeil #
Old rule: I will come to your place of work and punch you in the face at your place of work if you use the word synergy in an email to me. #
New Rule: If you use LOLSpeak in an email to me, I will come to your place of work and strangle you. #
@agent3012 Brandon AT BrandonMEndelson Dot Com . Bring it on! in reply to agent3012 #
@simpleelovlee Tweets are ok, but I'm so tired of the LOLcats thing and that douche cashing in on something he didn't even create in reply to simpleelovlee #
! @JLCherry I'm ok with emoticons because people are retarded and often need the help they provide. #
@Woohoo_Barz That is the first time I've heard the word conversate, and I want to stab myself now. Thanks. in reply to Woohoo_Barz #
@ValuePagesGroup That's all it takes. Or if you wait long enough, I might just go full hobo and eat out of your trash can this winter. in reply to ValuePagesGroup #
@flying_c4rr0t Business speak can be brutal. It makes dumb people think they're smart, so I understand their purpose, but I agree with you. in reply to flying_c4rr0t #
Potential Supervillains: I want to bring to your attention the presence of an abandoned Six Flags amusement park in New Orleans. That is all #
@Ken_Doll_PMF I used to work for a stripper who pulled down $250,000 a year as a salary. No way I could afford one. in reply to Ken_Doll_PMF #
@sheepodoom I don't mine 1337 in reply to sheepodoom #
I know. I'm a night late. The following are Monday Night Raw tweets with the #WWE tag. #
Bret Hart is not rocking his Batman t-shirt this evening. I am deeply disapponted. #WWE #
Trivia: Kane used to be Dr. Isaac Yankem DDS. His first opponent? Bret Hart. If you ask me, Kane needs his Jew Fro back. #WWE #
@Rhetski The one in the same. in reply to Rhetski #
When did Kane become good on the mic? He used to sound mentally challenged. Now? Less so. #wwe #
@sboulton gotta love the DVR! in reply to sboulton #
@Rhetski Sort of. He doesn't wrestle. Bret Hart generally stands around now and tries not to be useless. #wwe in reply to Rhetski #
Oh Michael Cole, no one on the Internet likes you either. #wwe #
"We're going to find out what happens when a tornado meets a volcano"? Really? I'm pretty sure lava spews everywhere and people die. #WWE #
For someone with crosses all over their wrestling attire, that Michelle McCool sure is an asshole. #wwe #
Fact: That Divas match ended in the time it took to write this tweet. #wwe #
Wade Barret has a plan, but if it doesn't involve free ice cream and fireworks, I don't think anyone cares. #wwe #
Chris Jericho is constipated. #wwe #
I like that this monumental program for kids is brought to you by a video game that promotes murder and criminal activity. #wwe #
@Ken_Doll_PMF I shall! in reply to Ken_Doll_PMF #
I know I just saw that tag team match with R-Truth in it, but I don't remember what happend. #wwe #
I am going to watch Smackdown! Just for Kane. But, they need to change the name of the show to, "Watch Kane Be A Dick For Two Hours". #wwe #
If I wasn't concerned about her killing me with all that fried chicken she's selling, I'd date the Popeye's spokeswoman. #
@shaundekid_capo It's from yesterday. I am watching Raw on the DVR in reply to shaundekid_capo #
Couple of quick takes:1) Is Jack Swagger like some sort of Kurt Angle clone? 2) I don't know this Alberto Del Rio, but I'm a fan. #wwe #

Twitter Updates for 2010-08-31

Brandon Mendelson — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 09:00:00 +0000

@Lilz32 That's a good way to think. I approve! in reply to Lilz32 #
My rectum doesn't give my colon an award for doing a good job. Just saying. #
If I ever get an award on a TV, you better beleive I'm going to flash someone, do two lines of cocaine on the podium, then kill the emcee. #
@GinaBrillon I am so in! in reply to GinaBrillon #
Because really, its live television. If you're not taking advantage of it, you're boring everyone. #
@blackjkspollock Like I care. in reply to blackjkspollock #
@soartmodel That goes without saying. in reply to soartmodel #
@mrsduby I hate everything. in reply to mrsduby #
If you get it right the first time, you won't need a second chance. #
October will mark ten years of failure in the entertainment business. I plan to have cake and icecream and share none of it with you. #
Overheard at the library: I'm here to masturbate and have a great time doing it. #
Home Depot's new ad campaign: If you're going to hang yourself, we got what you need! #
Why is it that if I were to break into your house and "borrow" something it's stealing, but on the web it's called "curation"? #
Home Depot: More people kill themselves after shopping with us than any other store! #
Me: I want to see Machete. It has an all-star cast. Wife: Isn't Lindsay Lohan in it? Me: Is it too late to take back "all-star cast"? #
@GinaBrillon Any opportunity to harm stupid people? Totally. in reply to GinaBrillon #
Beauty & The Beast's Belle Has Some Excellent Advice For Your Children http://youtu.be/Uuk-h2ZYNJU! #
Moving this week. Aside from dying, this is the least pleasant of all human experiences. #
Every time national grid asks me if I'm calling to report a gas leak, I giggle and think about farting into the phone #
@zemat84 In 95% of cases, it never works out if priorities are different in reply to zemat84 #
@worldwidejake What can I say? in reply to worldwidejake #
@oskaaron I may still do it. We'll see how bored I am when I call them next week. in reply to oskaaron #
There is something very 80's and very hilarious about this http://apne.ws/ax8Yz2 #
Looking into growing myself a tail so I'll have a more public-appropriate way to kill time. #
There's something oddly funny about seeing support groups for over-eaters and dieters next to each other. #
"Sturdy" and "Reliable" are not terms that inspire much confidence #
I don't understand why people have outdoor cats. Why do I want to pay for something I never see, doesn't love me, and shits on my lawn? #
@UBetcha_Apparel Nothing a hammer and several cease and desist letters from PETA can't deal with in reply to UBetcha_Apparel #
@KatHumble Very true. in reply to KatHumble #
@Quiet2010 Saying freedom is against the law in America. You may not say freedom unless you are being ironic, and even then, watch your back in reply to Quiet2010 #
@Mariablanca My thoughts exactly. in reply to Mariablanca #
I just got an email that said, "Brandon Mendelson: Viagra Dealer". Well. Since I AM looking for work, why not? #
@Tom_Godell Totally. Our soon-to-be former neighbors have an outdoor cat and we live on a very busy road. I'm impressed it's still alive. in reply to Tom_Godell #
@cricketfox They do that. The ones at my parent's house. They are also into inter-species sex. I'm not kidding. in reply to cricketfox #
@AnnyVieira I'm from America! in reply to AnnyVieira #
If you're in NYC tonight, I want you to go see @GinaBrillon perform at the Gotham Comedy Club. Do it or I'll hate you forever. #
@maxhuffman I love it. in reply to maxhuffman #
@mandibus If only the Deli was called Fatty's in reply to mandibus #
Want to get your hands on an awesome graphic novel and help the homeless? I'll have details soon … #
@cricketfox Off the top of my head? No. But I'm looking forward to Mr. Clean's E! True Hollywood Story when it comes out … in reply to cricketfox #
@christinebutz Thanks! I am working on the fundraising page tomorrow. in reply to christinebutz #
@christinebutz I can arrange something like that. in reply to christinebutz #
@TallGirl68 Well … they ARE the Padres;-) in reply to TallGirl68 #
@cricketfox Not true. He had that bout with AIDS and performed (briefly) in Angels if America before getting fired for beating a hobo. in reply to cricketfox #
America: Farting with the bathroom door open and not flushing since 1776. #
@sboulton I love it! I must purchase this item immediately. in reply to sboulton #
No WWE Raw tweets tonight. The television is currently being used by someone who isn't actuay watching it. #
Actually, my wife and I are going without TV once we move next week. So, I may switch to Smackdown and other WWE shows that are on Hulu. #
@sboulton Awesome! in reply to sboulton #
@sboulton Are they the full episodes of Raw? in reply to sboulton #
@GinaBrillon Happy to plug. Glad to hear the set went well too! in reply to GinaBrillon #
@cricketfox I know, right? Mr. Clean is a badass. in reply to cricketfox #
@GinaBrillon Thanks! When I have something to shill you'll be the first person to know. in reply to GinaBrillon #

Twitter Updates for 2010-08-30

Brandon Mendelson — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 09:00:00 +0000

@GinaBrillon Thanks. I can't wait to do these live some day. in reply to GinaBrillon #
@dudeman718 I agree on the volume, but that's nothing you can't easily fix. Everything else (the high RTs and links) is a good thing in reply to dudeman718 #
@dani3boyz I don't mind the unpacking oddly enough. It's the gathering that puts me into an uncontrollable rage … moreso in reply to dani3boyz #
@iLoVeMe31 I appreciate that. in reply to iLoVeMe31 #
@angelmommy When I get one, I shall send it your way in reply to angelmommy #
@Theoneupper I like the way you think sir. in reply to Theoneupper #
@FFXZeldagames It would be hard to man a Flip and cut off my own hand at the same time in reply to FFXZeldagames #
@dudeman718 I try to limit tweets to a four or five an hour unless I'm live tweeting Monday Night Raw or something stupid like #SLAT in reply to dudeman718 #
@dudeman718 Sometimes I get really bored;-). But five seems to be the right amount between entertaining and annoying I've been told. in reply to dudeman718 #
@dudeman718 Remember though: It's all about what you want to do on here. It doesn't matter what other people think. in reply to dudeman718 #
Everyone wants to know how I stay so thin, but they don't like it when I tell them it's because of Raisin Bran Crunch #
@dani3boyz At least you know where it is! in reply to dani3boyz #
@chiicaa_m I reached 20,000? Had no idea. When can I expect @Twitter to send me a check? in reply to chiicaa_m #
20,000 tweets and still no book deal. Was it something I said? #
@chiicaa_m I'm dedicating my 20,000th tweet to you. in reply to chiicaa_m #
@TheOnlyPoca It's part of my balanced breakfast. in reply to TheOnlyPoca #
@ValuePagesGroup I think I may have the least sponsor-friendly feed on Twitter at this point … in reply to ValuePagesGroup #
@CelebrityBEE YES! ;-) in reply to CelebrityBEE #
@worldwidejake You might be right. Oh well. I'm making the healthy choice with my breakfast cereal, so I got that going for me! in reply to worldwidejake #
@bellabernella That's more mean than anything else. If she were killed by the McDonalds employees and then served as Mcnugget I'd like it in reply to bellabernella #
@lizisaacslwc I used to, but the truth is unless people want to take matters into their own hands, everything anyone says is useless in reply to lizisaacslwc #
@lizisaacslwc Oh I get it, you're saying it's on me. I've done all that though, forYEARS. in reply to lizisaacslwc #
@bellabernella Ha, I still appreciated the video. Never saw that one before in reply to bellabernella #
@lizisaacslwc I appreciate it in reply to lizisaacslwc #
@kskopek Went down that road for a project to promote the early detection of cancer, it didn't end so well ;-) in reply to kskopek #
@deliziosa People just can't handle the truth in reply to deliziosa #
@ValuePagesGroup Nah, there's enough people who think I faked the number of followers I have, so I don't want to give them ammo in reply to ValuePagesGroup #
So, I learned something today. If you recognize a porn star in a non-porn setting, and you wife wants to know where you know them from, lie. #
@NeilDuly Thanks to the numerous Republicans who use that tactic and later get caught, I don't think most would be successful. in reply to NeilDuly #
@ChicaTierna It was Stacey Burke, appearing on Kendra in reply to ChicaTierna #
Want dating advice from someone with no business giving it? Ask me and I may use your question in a future column. #
@Veronicaleeanne I can see that being used against me in divorce court … in reply to Veronicaleeanne #
@ChicaTierna She's into playing dress-up, all I'm saying. in reply to ChicaTierna #
@BoxlessThought Ah good one! I shall answer it. in reply to BoxlessThought #
FYI I'll keep anyone who sends in dating questions as anonymous for the column. You can also email me at brandon at brandonmendelson dot com #
@Veronicaleeanne Excellent point in reply to Veronicaleeanne #
I'm fucking Batman! http://bit.ly/cPVxKP #
@dotsboy Anything and everything. in reply to dotsboy #
@NeilDuly You are a smarter man than I in reply to NeilDuly #
@DrPhilMcrackin I really like the term "Sex Ape". I will make sure to answer this in an upcoming column in reply to DrPhilMcrackin #
@dotsboy I do not! I always hated Robin. I think if Batman was truly a sociopath, he wouldn't have a sidekick. in reply to dotsboy #
@KitchenGuyMT Ha. Click the link. IT will explain everything in reply to KitchenGuyMT #
@pedenan It's a comic that will answer your question in reply to pedenan #
Desperate Sex Ape would be an awesome name for a band. #
@worldwidejake I think that one would be pretty great too in reply to worldwidejake #
@bbrandon5567 @bbrandon5567 Sounds like a solid plan to me. in reply to bbrandon5567 #
@B2BSinger The link answers that question in reply to B2BSinger #
@rjamestaylor Now that is a classy name for a band in reply to rjamestaylor #
Hipster Dinosaurs http://bit.ly/9gbI9d #
@B2BSinger Ha, I appreciate it. I always have to check, a lot of people don't bother to click on the links in reply to B2BSinger #
It's against the law to have more than one wife in Canada. Just thought you should know … #
@agent3012 Good question. I assume if they live in two different countries you're in the clear! in reply to agent3012 #
@bellabernella Too bad those places are total shit-holes in reply to bellabernella #
@zemat84 That's a very good question. I'm adding it to the list! in reply to zemat84 #
The Best Anti-Glenn Beck Signs At The Glenn Beck Rally http://bzfd.it/bysT1w #
@Cazaroo Is it really? in reply to Cazaroo #
Just applied to be an extra on MTV's I Just Want My Pants Back. I doubt they'll take me, but with a title like that, I just had to! #
@Cazaroo MADNESS in reply to Cazaroo #
@dotsboy I won't hold my breath. in reply to dotsboy #
There's something about putting all my clothes into a plastic bag that makes me feel like a hobo #
@zwartgat You can only put so much into a suitcase … in reply to zwartgat #
@zwartgat You're taking my tweets way too literally. I'm using plastic bags to store clothes to make it easier to move them this week. in reply to zwartgat #
@AussiBeachLover I was hired to write one. It's going to be fun! in reply to AussiBeachLover #
@AussiBeachLover She should lie to. in reply to AussiBeachLover #
@zwartgat You may still have to. If I get divorced, I plan on visiting everyone who follows me. in reply to zwartgat #
Wife: "Why are you using the Internet when you have my brain right here?" #
@BabyCypha ha! in reply to BabyCypha #
@Cheryl_08 Didn't you see my earlier tweet? I'm Batman! in reply to Cheryl_08 #
Just removed the last piece of Bender's hiding spot for the move. He's looking at me with eyes that say, "Fuck you tall white man." #
@NickFahrenkopf If the price is right! in reply to NickFahrenkopf #
@ValuePagesGroup We're moving to downtown Glens Falls. In January, depending on things, I may be moving to NYC. in reply to ValuePagesGroup #
Wife: Why are you peeing standing up?Me: To save time. #
@iamhaen Can you blame me? Kanye is a comedian's wet dream. in reply to iamhaen #
@rosscott Thanks for the comic! in reply to rosscott #
@givants two of the things I hate the most. in reply to givants #
@kyluckylady I sure hope not. Fleas for sure … in reply to kyluckylady #
@AussiBeachLover Not an author just yet. Hope to be one by the end of the Fall if all works as planned. in reply to AussiBeachLover #
Fact: Grandma hates Linux. #
@christinebutz You can always email me. My address is on the contact page of my website. in reply to christinebutz #
@AussiBeachLover Thanks! I will keep you posted. in reply to AussiBeachLover #
@HighMindedMW Totally agree. in reply to HighMindedMW #
@TallGirl68 No wonder people don't take the Padres seriously. in reply to TallGirl68 #
@zemat84 Just me. in reply to zemat84 #
Have any of you made bucket lists and been judged by what's on them? "THAT'S what you want to do before you die?" #
@Lilz32 A yearly bucket list? Do you plan on dying every year and change it when you survive another one? in reply to Lilz32 #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-08-29

Brandon Mendelson — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 02:55:00 +0000

If I were an animal and saw Surviorman coming my way, I'd run for my life . #
@zemat84 Those are some good choices. in reply to zemat84 #
@Rottie_Girl18 I did. The dishes are clean … For now. in reply to Rottie_Girl18 #
Fact: Morticians are never unemployed. #
My wife and I decided to watch "Australia". I got up to leave ten minutes in but she asked me to stay. It was the worst decision of my life. #
@horrorwhore69 Nice one in reply to horrorwhore69 #
@AussiBeachLover Ha! in reply to AussiBeachLover #
@number0six It just wouldn't end! in reply to number0six #
@QueenBeeBH Every minute was an attack on my capabillity to give a shit about Australia. in reply to QueenBeeBH #
@mikevardy I've never heard of stalkersunday, but if it's anything like stabbysaturday I think I'll love it. in reply to mikevardy #
My wife and I saw The Switch yesterday. I was informed it was a comedy. The joke was on me. #
@Ant0224 I like Jason Batemen and Jennifer Aniston, if anyone else starred in it, I would have murdered the kid who sold me the tickets in reply to Ant0224 #
Did you ever wonder what Superman comics would be like if Kal-El was found by Billy Ray Cyrus instead of Pa Kent? #
Worth repeating: Death is a growth industry. #
What if Batman decided to strike fear in the hearts of Gotham's criminals by doing interpretive dance? #
"And now to strike fear into the heart's of Gotham's scum with this movement from Swan Lake" -Dancing Batman #
@mifft Thanks! I'm no @theisb but I do try to make a good Batman joke once in a while. in reply to mifft #
@BjanaFabrice Self answers back, "The world doesn't need another funny Jew!" ;-) in reply to BjanaFabrice #
@bradleydlowe I think you're right. Someone's got to get on drawing Clark Cyrus! in reply to bradleydlowe #
@bellavalentine2 Would Batman be a Jet or a Shark? in reply to bellavalentine2 #
@mischa3 If Batman did a pirouette in an in-continuity isse, I'd kill myself. Nothing in life would ever measure up to that moment. in reply to mischa3 #
@BjanaFabrice Read my bio, the lawyer thing is a no-go. Also: The local bank rejected me. I'm a Jew witout a sterotype.;-) #
Do Mancaves come with a Sex Dungeon or are those two different areas of the house? #
@bradleydlowe I'm writing it down, if an opportunity comes I'll send you the picture. in reply to bradleydlowe #
@bellavalentine2 Excellent choice. in reply to bellavalentine2 #
@rusty_shackles The new website looks fantastic. in reply to rusty_shackles #
@ChicaTierna Thanks! Tell your friends. I'm lonely and crave the attention. in reply to ChicaTierna #
@rusty_shackles You're better off without the flash (IMHO) in reply to rusty_shackles #
@ChicaTierna Thanks:-) in reply to ChicaTierna #
@bradleydlowe As it should be in reply to bradleydlowe #
@Dave_T They better! in reply to Dave_T #
Most of you are gettng ready for a busy day of work tommorow. I am getting ready for a busy day of catching up on WWE Smackdown! on Youtube. #
Who says getting fired doesn't have its advantages? #
@brodyrocks It's a decent (not great) movie, but it's definitely not a comedy as advertised (re: The Switch) in reply to brodyrocks #
@CaroMurch There's no shame in quitting if you have a good reason to do so in reply to CaroMurch #
@mischa3 I'm keeping my fingers crossed for him. There is great shame in it for Batman if he can't successfully pirouette. in reply to mischa3 #
Has anyone ever told the Silver Surfer about the 13th Amendment? #
My wife's brother just asked me for the phone. I'm unemployed, who am I going to call, the suicide hotline? #
E! News just asked me to "guess the baby guido". #seriously #
"John Mayer showed us his guns and his intolerance toward black women" (If I wrote E! News segments) #
"Nicole Richie is a master of this look. Dress like her and people will take you seriously." (If I wrote E! News) #
"In the market for a STD? Then purchase Chad Ocho-I don't care how it's spelled-Cinco's house from The Ultimate Catch" (If I wrote E! News) #
@B0YZONE326 Thanks. I think it would be a significant improvement to what they have now. in reply to B0YZONE326 #
@GinaBrillon Thanks. My concern would be taking the focus away from Joel McHale. That man is a national treasure. in reply to GinaBrillon #
@GinaBrillon I really like the quote on your website btw in reply to GinaBrillon #
Remember: It is impolite to enter a mosh pit without first doing a curtsey . #
There's a Demolition Derby tonight. Nobody told me. I would totally participate in something like that! #
@Trendero at the Washington County Fair. It's very … uh, redneck friendly up here, so I wouldn't doubt their popularity in reply to Trendero #
@Trendero If I can't participate in the killing I probably won't go. in reply to Trendero #
On a serious note: This is the only reason why Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World failed: http://bit.ly/dhXz0r #
@swansonkarl You know, I have that complaint about him too, but in this particular film I thought he was really good in the role in reply to swansonkarl #
@swansonkarl It's the best film I've seen since The Dark Knight. in reply to swansonkarl #
We have to get the cat tuna. He's pouting because there isn't any. He must be thinking, "I've made these stupid humans my bitch" #
@Renewablergirl I did not. She should die. in reply to Renewablergirl #
@mpardo916 This one can. He has more personality than most humans in reply to mpardo916 #
Waiting inline at Walmart for over forty minutes > The torment that awaits you on the second layer of Hell #
@dwward We don't have what you would call "choice" up here in the sticks in reply to dwward #
25 Unfortunate Movie Marquees http://bzfd.it/d3tZUQ #
@NettieHowie You better go find it. I think the fines for littering with your arse are steep in reply to NettieHowie #
@eugewarrock Are you getting hate mail? That's a great sign in this crazy Internet culture of ours. in reply to eugewarrock #
Remember: If you're not getting hate mail, you're doing it wrong. #
@rusty_shackles Let's not say things we can't take back! Some of us like those pictures. Well … I could do without the Robocop pics ;-) in reply to rusty_shackles #
I mark my time on this Earth by how often I change the litter box. #
@Dogslovefish Ha! in reply to Dogslovefish #
1,420 days since being enslaved by my furry overlords. #
@rjamestaylor @samlerma It's true. That's critically important information. in reply to rjamestaylor #
@soartmodel My wife just said the same thing. I'm officially the slave of the house. in reply to soartmodel #
@dotsboy I try not to give them drugs. I keep thinking the cops will come and bust me for it in reply to dotsboy #
@punchlinemag Jay Leno has an audience? in reply to punchlinemag #
Announcing you're going to use the bathroom like Batman circa 1966 never gets old. "To the facility!" #
@peterbult379 Something like that will probably happen once people realize there's no money in it (except for Youtube) in reply to peterbult379 #
My poker strategy? Accuse everyone of being racist agains white people as the cards are dealt. #
"Holy Politics Batman, The Joker is going to kill Sarah Palin. We've got to stop him!" "… Maybe we should sit this one out Robin." #
@MitchamesTX Ha! in reply to MitchamesTX #
@KillerCassandra The histories? in reply to KillerCassandra #
@UpsaleJane I have never heard it called a water closet before, but I LOVE it in reply to UpsaleJane #
Sheamus is hating on children. I am now his biggest fan #WWE #
I'd like R-Truth better if he fired a gun in the air between shouts of "What's up?" #WWE #
#WWE I'm begging you, please kill the Great Khali. #
Any of you familiar with "Of Mice and Men"? Great Kahli would be the perfect Lenny. #WWE #
I'm happy to see Michelle McCool, a former biology teacher, talking like a bimbo on national tv. Work that college education girl! #WWE #
@theblacklily I blame her time in the WWE for killing some brain cells. in reply to theblacklily #
On a serious note: The WWE is pissing money away by treating their women wrestlers like side-show attractions. #
@AussiBeachLover True. But they'd make more of they were given equal air time as the guys. in reply to AussiBeachLover #
@sboulton That's a great comparison. I like him, but he's just missing something for me. in reply to sboulton #
Daniel Bryant is one trench coat away from an indecent exposure conviction. #WWW #
Santino makes any episode of Raw a good one. Vladimir Kozloz? Not so much. #WWE #
If you look at mug shots of sex offenders, you'll find people who look JUST like Daniel Bryant. #WWE #
I'm officially bored with Randy Orton. He needs to go away now. Is it too late to bring out Goldust? #wwe #
You know, for a moment there, I forgot Zack Ryder existed #WWE #
@marcolino2 I rather Stone Cold made a come back and slapped Orton around for stealing his gimmick. in reply to marcolino2 #
@KilikaCouture I started watching when they started the Nexus thing. The second Tripple H shows up on my TV, I'll tune out again #WWE in reply to KilikaCouture #
I have to trim this beard, I'm getting the "Bin Laden!?" look again. #
Note to prospective employers: I may look like a terrorist, but the only explosions you'll get from me will be in the bathroom after lunch. #
@GorgeousGuru All kinds of things are happening, both real and ficticous. in reply to GorgeousGuru #
Maybe I'll start sporting a turban. You know, just to fuck with people on the plane? Then I'd take it off and be like, "Naw. Just kidding." #
That's mildly offensive. To balance things, I'll make some jokes about my Jewish ancestry for your amusement. Discount hilarity to follow! #
@rachaelburrows It would be so worth the guranteed ass kicking I'd receive. in reply to rachaelburrows #
@OntieC Thanks! in reply to OntieC #
Actually, I'll hold off on those jokes for now. Remember: If we can't give each other shit in a good natured way, life is not worth living. #
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to wave my dick around while chasing an ice cream truck. Good night. #
@rachaelburrows Thanks! I will keep you posted ;-) in reply to rachaelburrows #
@OntieC Exactly. Everyone is too serious today. It needs to stop. in reply to OntieC #
@soartmodel That sounds about right when I think of things that happen in Oregon. in reply to soartmodel #
@buss32978 Likewise. in reply to buss32978 #
@OntieC I wouldn't change the content on TV, that's all on the parents as far as I see it with the Vchip and the ratings. in reply to OntieC #
@hot_mom_in_cali No can do, the less evidence the better. in reply to hot_mom_in_cali #
@MY_KIDS_ARE_RAD I like Nexus. Those guys can actually wrestle and not stand around and chop people like you know who. in reply to MY_KIDS_ARE_RAD #
@KDBlue Thanks! in reply to KDBlue #
I don't know what a "Six-Pack Challenge" is, but that's probably the amount of beer I'll need to enjoy a match with Cena and Orton #WWE #
You know what is great about not having a job? You can stay in bed a long as you want. #
@johncsmith88 The best lie? That you enjoy work in reply to johncsmith88 #
@Dozenroses13 Congratulations on the new job! I am enjoying my involuntary vacation too much to search for jobs. in reply to Dozenroses13 #
I will now only refer to unemployment as an "Involuntary Vacation" #
@Dozenroses13 Only because my wife is on vacation this week in reply to Dozenroses13 #
@WoodyWoodcaster That is an excellent analogy in reply to WoodyWoodcaster #
YES! RT @westcoastdevfan: @BJMendelson so does that mean employment is voluntary hell? #
@hadyn79 That's because the British are lazy! ;-) #
@WoodyWoodcaster I think we've been ready for the past 100 years or so in reply to WoodyWoodcaster #
I'm working on a new column for someone. Want dating advice from a guy who shouldn't be giving it? Email brandon at brandonmendelson dot com #
@Pete_Kelly_NJ Start staying up later. That's what I did in reply to Pete_Kelly_NJ #
@AussiBeachLover When I watch Monday Night Raw I do twitter commentary throughout it like with Secret Life in reply to AussiBeachLover #
@AussiBeachLover It was better than. in reply to AussiBeachLover #
Someone tried to kill Paris Hilton today. You guys need to not take my tweets so literally … #
@UnitedDancers I read. in reply to UnitedDancers #
@shannongeil Awesome! That's what I'm here for! in reply to shannongeil #
@GinaBrillon I aim to please, although most of the time I wind up hitting a spectator in the face in reply to GinaBrillon #
@UnitedDancers I did via WWTDD in reply to UnitedDancers #
Follow @BJMendelson . If you don't, he'll show up at your house to show you his knife collection #
@Lilz32 I'm glad you got that reference:-). Make sure to pass it on! in reply to Lilz32 #
@GoodEnough4U Thanks! Make sure to pass it on. You want to keep your friends safe, right? in reply to GoodEnough4U #
@ercbrwn It does. I see you have played Knife Vs. Spoon before in reply to ercbrwn #
Warning: I'm about to watch BEST SHOW EVER (Secret Life Of The American Teenager). Many possible tweets to follow with the #SLAT tag #
#SLAT has taught me that I can just walk into someone's house unannounced with my problems and they'll totally be cool with it. #
#SLAT we're not five minutes in and Molly Ringwald has already referenced her past life as someone we used to care about. #
Is Carl Weather's character a racist? Probably not, but that would make this show awesome. #SLAT #
Wife: "Ben has a Bob Saget quality about him." (Is that a compliment?) #SLAT #
Apparently today's secret word is ORAL. Right Jambi? #SLAT #
"Gateway sex" kills. #SLAT #
Apparenly Ricky needs sex to live. Quick, chop his dick off! #SLAT #
@Croneylardo We can make that happen. in reply to Croneylardo #
"Teenage pregnancy is 100% preventable". Uh … Isn't this show written by Christians? Aren't we forgetting how Jesus got here? #SLAT #
@laura_hudson Unless that sentnce ends with "… to climb off the page and pleasure one or both of your pets." in reply to laura_hudson #
@johncsmith88 I hope to spend as much time in jail as Lenny Bruce in reply to johncsmith88 #
I must have missed the memo that said if I look like a spousal abuser and act like a dead-beat Dad, women will want me. #SLAT #
This week's metaphors: Penis = Meat store. Vagina = A gate. The writing for this show is SO GOOD. #SLAT #
If I ever go back to UAlbany to finish my Ph.D, I'm going to title my thesis, "History Is Fucking Awesome!" #
@laura_hudson That and a Dan Slott written one-shot featuring Rocket Raccoon's sex tape. in reply to laura_hudson #
Going to a "teacher store". Items expected to be found: Seat Electrifiers, whips, and poison candy. #
@dudeman718 @chirrps I have
a new goal in life: Make that list! in reply to dudeman718 #
Now stalking @splitsider because I like writing the comedy and need the money to fund my war on children. #
@chirrps Awesome! I'm going to tell my mother. in reply to chirrps #
@dudeman718 It's my priority. Getting some recognition will make my wife happy. She's kind of like the Hulk, so I want to keep her that way. in reply to dudeman718 #
@dudeman718 Ha. in reply to dudeman718 #
Stuff I learned from reading @comicsalliance : DeviantArt is not just for porn. Lawsuits happen there too. #
@rjamestaylor Testing the weather dominator. Hope you brought an umbrella. in reply to rjamestaylor #
Off to buy parts for the Weather Dominator. #
@rjamestaylor Don't mention it. Really. Don't. I don't want the Feds snooping arou here and finding the Sex
Dungeon. in reply to rjamestaylor #
School supplies? Bah! In my day all you needed was a pocket knife in your pocket and a steely look of determination to succeed. #
@agent3012 We had the mall. I would have preferred the catalogs in reply to agent3012 #
Back in my day, we didn't have Thanksgiving. We had Shanksgiving, where we celebrated by getting into a mass-knife fight and eating the weak #
Everyone ask the amazingly talented @eugewarrock if he'll make a song about Shanksgiving Day. And follow him. Seriously. #
@agent3012 It's true. Only redeemable at Barnes & Noble though because if they go out of business, I'll be homeless. in reply to agent3012 #
Yoga for Black People http://bit.ly/9EaimW #
@alisausa kick-boxing … ? in reply to alisausa #
@zemat84 Ha! in reply to zemat84 #
@alisausa Ooooh. I was going with a knife joke, but that's a good call. in reply to alisausa #
For the upcoming Jewish New Year, I'm going to skip the honey and apples and get right into the vengence. #
Facebook is suing a social netwok for teachers. They must wake up every day and wonder, "What can we do to remind everyone we're assholes?" #
! @dominickevans It's worth noting that revenge is a dish best served warm, with sprinkles. in reply to dominickevans #
@Cinnameg I think my Mom is going to serve up enough guilt for me, you, and each one of my Twitter followers. in reply to Cinnameg #
@dominickevans You sir, are a man of impeccable taste. in reply to dominickevans #
@Cinnameg Yay. in reply to Cinnameg #
I always hated the expression, "Kill them all and let God sort them out". I think God wants a peice of those people too. #
The saying should be: "Leave them alone and let God fuck them up". #
@dominickevans True but God, if nothing else, is an efficent killing machine. in reply to dominickevans #
The Anti-Christ won't return my phone calls. #
Fact: There is nothing "bad ass" about an omlette. #
@Luiiz_z None of that made sense. in reply to Luiiz_z #
@AlexRansom Bad ass. in reply to AlexRansom #
@austincapital I agree, but unless it grants magical wishes an leans your arteries, it can't be described as bad ass in reply to austincapital #
@gas914 That seems to be what Glen Beck thinks. But what does he know? in reply to gas914 #
Your cat is wrong. If something touches the floor, don't put it in your mouth. #
@gas914 I saw him love on Long Island. He beleives Obama is the anti-Christ. That auomaticly qualifies him as an asshole in my book. in reply to gas914 #
@VHTrabosh You are correct madam. in reply to VHTrabosh #
No iPod, you keep finishing thoughts with incorrect words. I don't mind. Its not like I'm a professional writer or anything. What do I know? #
@khoki The 10 second rule is a myth perpetrated by the Man to keep us dumb. in reply to khoki #
@laurajayne_x_x The bustling metropolis of Glens Falls. A place filled with unhappy factory workers and old people. Also: There is hockey. in reply to laurajayne_x_x #
@gas914 Stick around. I might surprise you again, and like, in a good way. Not in a "Want to see my knife collection?" way. in reply to gas914 #
@carynbaxter @khoki No matter the length. Don't let the honkys win by eating things off the floor! in reply to carynbaxter #
Watching Fox News makes you sterile. #
@laurajayne_x_x I'm breathing. So, I'm well. in reply to laurajayne_x_x #
@dominickevans Don't do it! Someone hasn't killed someone because Fox News told them to yet. That's why I keep watching. in reply to dominickevans #
@VHTrabosh Ha. I love it. in reply to VHTrabosh #
@GinaBrillon I'll get the clippers if you get the ether. in reply to GinaBrillon #
@westcoastdevfan A fate worse than death, in reply to westcoastdevfan #
@johncsmith88 I think it's worse. in reply to johncsmith88 #
To bed, where I must stage a passive agressive coup d'état to regain my side of the bed from the cats and my wife. #
@seojesus It's cool. At this rate I'll just drop by his bachleor pad in LA next time I'm out there. in reply to seojesus #
Why don't we call bachleor pads what they really are: Waiting Rooms. #
@JohBoo68 Tell him he owes me money. in reply to JohBoo68 #
@Smatti253 Cats have us all beat in the intelligence department. in reply to Smatti253 #
@ClarabelleRox That happens when you watch anything on television. in reply to ClarabelleRox #
@nicholaswinston Easy: She has a jon that's not on Fox News. in reply to nicholaswinston #
@canaussiegirl I think most of them
are just angry and misguided. So, I'd hate to see all of them go sterile. in reply to canaussiegirl #
@KesCross Maxims have a shelf life for about a week … in reply to KesCross #
People who remake popular songs with kids singing them: I'm still waiting for a cover of the Anti-Nowhere League's "So What?" #
@B0YZONE326 Too specific, but I like that you went there. in reply to B0YZONE326 #
Every time I hear the theme song to Full House I go into a homicidal rage. #
"Everywhere you look … You'll find me there to stab you". Those are the words to the song, right? #
@pinkvisual Somehow they made it worse! in reply to pinkvisual #
@heatherlevin I like that analogy. in reply to heatherlevin #
@shikinfo Who says they don't? in reply to shikinfo #
@BabyCypha When you say it like that I think you're shouting Mr. Pilgrim like Neal Patel from the movie in reply to BabyCypha #
@BabyCypha Right now I'm watching an awful comic die on stage. so … not so great. As soon as he's done? MUCH BETTER:-) in reply to BabyCypha #
@BabyCypha It's a friend of my cousin. in reply to BabyCypha #
@BabyCypha Thanks. in reply to BabyCypha #
Apparently you're not a real comedian until you perform live. So, if you want me to molest the ears of your friends and family, let me know. #
@GoodEnough4U Thanks, but it's time I think. Just have to find a place because it blows up here for comedy in reply to GoodEnough4U #
I'm now stalking @frucci so he'll let me write for @Splitsider . I'll even move into a bedbug infested apartment in NYC to do it! #
What are the job qualifications for being an analyst, "Make up as much shit as possible and see what sticks"? #
I can do that. Watch: Stocks will go down this week after an invasion of nuclear-powered gorilla bears occurs in Queens. #
Apple stock will plummet after CEO Steve Jobs reveals the new iJesus at a press conference on September 7th. #
"Although the iJesus can turn water into wine, it should not serve as a replacement for the real savior", said the Pope #
@StacyLeefarber G2 of the iJesus? G1 hasn't even come out yet! Hold your horses. in reply to StacyLeefarber #
@HexNavarro Good question, see my next tweet in reply to HexNavarro #
@wadami One can only hope that I am in reply to wadami #
Although designed for worship, the iJesus can serve as a projector to broadcast NFL games in high-definition on your wall. #
iJesus will be on sale starting September 15th, but the life-sized product won't ship until December 21st, 2012 #
Re: iJesus RT @rjamestaylor: @BJMendelson I'll wait until the 2nd generation comes out. First gens usually have reception issues #
@westcoastdevfan nyah nyah nyah in reply to westcoastdevfan #
@SupMikeyDawg The iJesus is 4G in reply to SupMikeyDawg #
Anyone else find it funny that some of @WhitneyCummings last name is censored in the TMZ comments section? #
@NickFahrenkopf Just like any analyst, I always come out even! in reply to NickFahrenkopf #
@GinaBrillon I knew I could count on you in reply to GinaBrillon #
This hunt for freelance writing jobs isn't going as well as I hoped. Is it because I carry an assault rifle with me to job interviews? #
@Saccora I like my assault rifle though. 'Ol Reliable and I have some fond memories in reply to Saccora #
Re: Lack of job offers RT @Theoneupper: @BJMendelson I heard it's cause you don't wear pants. O.o #
@Theoneupper Dude, I have so much body hair that I don't need pants. in reply to Theoneupper #
Foraging for food. Will it be the oranges I almost killed myself peeling or moldy bread? #
Perhaps I could combined them to form some sort of super-orange bread? #
@NazareenE I'm cold-emailing and asking friends and friends of friends for referrals. I'm not really a phone person. in reply to NazareenE #
@dubalpapamija I try to be. Thanks. in reply to dubalpapamija #
@BaldHeadQueen I shall! I will use only a butter knife this time. in reply to BaldHeadQueen #
@rachelblancato I hope so. Baby needs a new pair of everything. in reply to rachelblancato #
@Theoneupper You're so welcome. in reply to Theoneupper #
@brooklarios I should probably take that off my resume, huh? in reply to brooklarios #
@nerp27 Ha, no need to be sorry, I enjoyed that joke. in reply to nerp27 #
No go on the super-orange bread. We're out of food. Instead of eating, I will contemplate autocannibalism etiquette. #
"It is impolite to chew on one's humerus in the company of others." #
@dubalpapamija No need to apologize, my English is terrible too. in reply to dubalpapamija #
@dubalpapamija I don't know much about South America or the countries down there, so I don't really have an opinion. in reply to dubalpapamija #
"It is frowned upon to describe your own flesh as succulent" #autocannabalismetiquette #
@nerp27 Tender no, lean yes. in reply to nerp27 #
@ChicaTierna Hey now, I copied and pasted that spelling from Wikipedia! in reply to ChicaTierna #
That last tweet I sent out? Totally serious. @YourFriendEvan 's friend is missing. Please pass on my previous tweet. #
@BigBoa He did, but then I decided to do the humane thing and eat him. in reply to BigBoa #
@ChicaTierna Google is my secret spellchecker in reply to ChicaTierna #
@DittiePE Acceptable substitutes for your own humerus include other people's humeruses (or humeri) in reply to DittiePE #
@Renewablergirl Beef flavored tea? in reply to Renewablergirl #
On a less serious note: Stalk Me http://bit.ly/bPx3xq #
Did you know that for $195 you too can own a zombie dildo? Thanks Internet. #
@flying_grapes Doesn't hold the same charm as a zombie dildo in reply to flying_grapes #
@tommyismyname The Goth Kids are going to LOVE it in reply to tommyismyname #
@penguinloser That's exactly how I feel right now in reply to penguinloser #
@penguinloser And does it make you want to eat brains after using it? in reply to penguinloser #
Excellent Use Of Time: I just spent a half-hour reading the back story to each fighter in the Street Fighter series. #
@frucci Then stalking? I guess I could do that … but just this once. Would you be willing to DM me your email address? in reply to frucci #
@yongclee Sakura, which is a total shock. in reply to yongclee #
Signs I'm Getting Old: I no longer enjoy the work of Johnny Depp. #
My brother is taking Dad to a Mets game tommorow. Spoiler alert guys: The Mets lose. #
@johncsmith88 I should rephrase that: I'm over anything he does with Tim Burton. I like him as an actor. in reply to johncsmith88 #
Well, I was going to watch something, but Sweeney Todd sucked the life out of me. That's not really the effect movies should have on people. #
I will say this: It pleases me to no end that a crazed Johnny Depp threatened to murder an annoying kid with a straight razor. Twice. #
@cricketfox I've shaved my head before, so … no. I'm not looking to do that again. in reply to cricketfox #
@NickFreeland Nah. You can do funny movies with the main character as a murderer … as long as Tim Burton isn't around to fuck it up. in reply to NickFreeland #
@SEXITRICEYIAM He may just need help. Specifically, an intervention resulting in him no longer working with Tim Burton. in reply to SEXITRICEYIAM #
I've been thinking about working at Walmart as a Greeter. Think they'll let me welcome customers with my knife? #
@iamhaen Fact: I am already in their system as a greeter. in reply to iamhaen #
@micklirish Zip my fly? But how else will I rebel against the white man? in reply to micklirish #
@aprilhebert I have shaky hands. I may not get further than WelWalMrt on each of them. in reply to aprilhebert #
@westcoastdevfan I'm actually an "inactive employee" with them as a greeter. But you're right, senility has not set in yet. in reply to westcoastdevfan #
I would need a new knife. Walmart customers usually start with Bowie knives and go up the knife food chain from there. #
@SEXITRICEYIAM He has kids!? in reply to SEXITRICEYIAM #
@westcoastdevfan Zing! in reply to westcoastdevfan #
@iamhaen Wouldn't that be awesome? in reply to iamhaen #
Have you been through Walmart orientation? They make you play a "History of Walmart" board game. It's like Monopoly but everyone is crying. #
@marihawebster I pledge to never intetionally stab you. in reply to marihawebster #
They also tell you about all the ways you can die while working at Walmart. Not discussed: How to do your job. #
Think concentration camps are depressing? Eat lunch in a Walmart breakroom some time. #
The upside? You get a locker to put your stuff. The downside? Your manager stores their weed there. #
@westcoastdevfan I've never been to the Midwest but I don't doubt it. in reply to westcoastdevfan #
The only chair Walmart Greeters can sit in are the ones God gave them. #
To bed, where the only person I can offend is the cat. That's his own fault for sitting so close to my ass. #
@SupMikeyDawg The one and the same. in reply to SupMikeyDawg #
@NickFreeland I can't think of any either, but as I do I'll send them your way in reply to NickFreeland #
@frednertz They are like people, that's why I tolerate their existence on this earth. in reply to frednertz #
Renegotiate your contracts with a headbutt #
Among other white people, you may refer to each other as Cottonballs. #
@BabyCypha Ha, isn't it a great term? I'm now calling all my white friends Cottonballs from now on in reply to BabyCypha #
@LiquidIvory I haven't hit critical mass yet the way @ShitMyDadSays did. I may never. IF I do, there will be a book. Tell your friends! in reply to LiquidIvory #
@AshleyEN No problem, it's kind of my thing. Make sure to tell your friends! in reply to AshleyEN #
I don't drink often, but when I do, I drink Drano. Keep the pipes clean my friends. #
@DittiePE It can be! in reply to DittiePE #
I want to thank @gawker for informing me of the existence of "Squat Evangelists". They're exactly what you think they are. #
If a kid eggs your house, find them at school the next day and egg them in front of their friends. #
@moneyries That's a great concept you have going there. in reply to moneyries #
@LiquidIvory You know, I had no idea I was that close to 20,000 tweets. That's sort of scary. in reply to LiquidIvory #
Facebook ruins another job interview. http://bit.ly/a9GRB1 #
You know what's easier than packing? Constructing a human centipede. #
Areed RT @Cinnameg: No two words ruin a fine afternoon quite as effectively as "human centipede." #
Wow. Did I just type Areed instead of Agreed? I'm going to go into the closet and whip myself forty times like that guy in The Da Vinci Code #
@CandidCarrie No can do, although I may set-up a web cam and charge people to watch. I'll keep you posted in reply to CandidCarrie #
. @DittiePE I don't check my grammar and spelling as closely as I should on Twitter to show humanity my contempt for it. #
@theisb What's the definitive Squirrel Girl story? #AskChris in reply to theisb #
Make sure you know how to whistle the theme song to the Golden Girls. Doing so in the middle of a fight is critical to your success. #
Sub-Zero Wins http://bit.ly/bbgY70 #
@Ayannana Do you regularly sing "Thank you for being a friend" in the middle of a fist fight? in reply to Ayannana #
@Ayannana Then you are my new hero (for today) in reply to Ayannana #
Hipster Hitler is my new favorite webcomic http://bit.ly/apNDCA #
If you're down with polygamy, I'm so in. RT @hipsterhitler: @BJMendelson its time to put a ring on it! #
My wife is taking me outside for a walk. If I go #1 and #2 she promised to get me a snausage! #
@HEMIMUSIC It loads for me. Try it again and let me know. in reply to HEMIMUSIC #
@brooklarios Thanks! I need all the points I can get. in reply to brooklarios #
If you know someone who had the original Playstation, but didn't own Final Fantasy 7, they should be executed immediately. #
Reguarding that last tweet: The 90's called, they said to stop making fun of them. #
@Pat__Attack Me neither, 7 was an exception for me. I preferred mindless stuff like Destruction Derby. in reply to Pat__Attack #
Changed the litter to an Eco-friendly brand. Fry and Bender refuse to use it. Their punishment will be to watch TNA Impact with me tonight. #
Join me in a moment of silent prayer to mark the cancellation of Little People Big World, the funniest show on television. #
@hot_mom_in_cali Fresh Step, it's the new one with pine mixed in. in reply to hot_mom_in_cali #
@MeganPSHouston You are correct, they're both named after the characters on Futurama:-) in reply to MeganPSHouston #
@chicabella That might still happen. in reply to chicabella #
Good news: Scott Pilgrim will be playing at the Glen Drive In starting tomorrow. Bad news: Vampires Suck is on first. WTF. #
Having to watch Vampires Suck before Scott Pilgrim is like choping your dick off before going on a date with a slutty Wonder Woman. #
@MitchamesTX It's so true though. in reply to MitchamesTX #
@kristishaver They're too busy counting their money to care. in reply to kristishaver #
@chicabella It's weird. They're Angels on everything BUT the choice of litter. in reply to chicabella #
@DittiePE A nap is not a bad idea. If I had wi-fi, I'd live tweet the film. in reply to DittiePE #
A man is facing charges that he punched a baby. Again, some of you are taking my tweets too seriously. #
@chicabella Ahh, you have one of those. in reply to chicabella #
@edwardhalim YES! in reply to edwardhalim #
@stateoftheA_R_T Any movie made by those particular filmmakers is usually considered among the worst films ever made. So, yes:-) in reply to stateoftheA_R_T #
@Pat__Attack Precisely. in reply to Pat__Attack #
Just got back from Lake George where an old woman in a motorized wheel chair almost ran me down. Are those things even street legal? #
Facebook just asked me to "Share the latest news" … with my wife. I guess it's time to tell her I'm pregnant. #
Do you think God hears fireworks and says, "I thought I told you to keep that shit down!" #
Faceron (Facebook) is trying to trademark the words "Face" And "Book". This company can't die fast enough. #
@giakat It's a company built around selling your information to corporations. What's to like? in reply to giakat #
A couple of fireworks jokes before I get out of here for the night … #
Is there anything more metal than fireworks? I submit to you that there is not. Explosions + Sulfur = METAL! #
@SEXITRICEYIAM I do not. in reply to SEXITRICEYIAM #
@giakat Yes, but now that they're rich they're rubbing your face in it. in reply to giakat #
What the ducks on Lake George think during the fireworks show: "Holy shit! We have to get the fuck out of here. The sky is exploding!" #
@Cinnameg Right now? On a toilet in Glens Falls. That's where I do all my tweeting. in reply to Cinnameg #
@PatsTwist Easy for you to say, I'm the one who has to share the uncomfortable truth. in reply to PatsTwist #
@PatsTwist (that's my way of saying, Thanks for the RT!) in reply to PatsTwist #
Today is #followfriday . If you tell your friends to follow me, the next time I give you candy I promise to take out the razor blades. #
@Cinnameg Ahhhh. That's awesome and freaky. I wish I had that as a mutant power. in reply to Cinnameg #
@Cinnameg Ha! I promise nothing. in reply to Cinnameg #
@Theoneupper If America is considered the future, then yes, yes I am. in reply to Theoneupper #
@brodyrocks Haven't seen Inception yet. in reply to brodyrocks #
@Smatti253 They don't make "the pill" for men … yet. in reply to Smatti253 #
Things you don't expect to hear in the morning: "Guys, again with the shemales?" #
Have you guys seen Comixed? Best Twilight joke I've seen / heard (so far) http://bit.ly/98DaQx #
If CNN went hyper-local: A woodpecker flew outside your window earlier this morning. No word on whether or not it will return. #
Anderson Cooper is on the scene interviewing your cats. Anderson? "Thanks Wolf. I'm here with Fry and Bender who are outraged this morning." #
"They tell me they missed the bird's appearance on their lawn and had plans to devour it. We'll bring you more of this story as it develops" #
. @GoodEnough4U CNN isn't so great at a lot of things. They have me under contract but don't use me. #
Wizards of Waverly Place is advertising Wilmer Valderrama as a "special guest star". Uh. Why don't we call his appearance what it is? 1/2 #
"The other stars we approached all turned us down, so lacking a suitable replacement, here's Fez!" 2/2 #
@edwardhalim No can do,the life loves it. in reply to edwardhalim #
@edwardhalim And by life … I meant wife. in reply to edwardhalim #
Are you as excited as I am about the Camp Rock sequel!? #
I'm not excited about watching Camp Rock 2. I'm excited about lighting myself on fire outside of Disney's HQ to protest the airing of it. #
@Terminator916 Dude, that's been the theme to my life in reply to Terminator916 #
Thinking about christening our new apartment by getting on the Congressman's roof and shouting, "I'm an albatross! I'm an albatross!" #
(And yes, that was a Tom Green reference.) #
Just redid the story synopsis for Dracula & Kittens and am sending it in. Had to take a lot of the crazy sci-fi stuff out. #
@ValuePagesGroup I wasn't when he was on the air, but he slowly grew on me in reply to ValuePagesGroup #
Wow. That took way too long. #
@mariaBieberFan_ From me or of me? in reply to mariaBieberFan_ #
What's an appropriate way to get you to buy my book? Should I stand on random street corners with a sign that says, "Buy it mother fuckers!" #
@flying_c4rr0t I sure hope it's not, but that's for the critics to decide if / when it comes out in reply to flying_c4rr0t #
@LeighChamplin I can and will totally do that in reply to LeighChamplin #
@LeighChamplin People get shanked there? in reply to LeighChamplin #
@QueenBeeBH Then I totally will. in reply to QueenBeeBH #
@LeighChamplin I live around there, so thanks for the warning ;-) in reply to LeighChamplin #
@ElevationGrace Yes. It would probably be the giant bear costume I keep talking about in reply to ElevationGrace #
@LokiSonofOdin There's only one way to find out, isn't there? in reply to LokiSonofOdin #
@LokiSonofOdin Thanks! in reply to LokiSonofOdin #
@TehranSoParvaz When the book comes out, I'll add "Buy it motherfuckers!" to my Twitter bio here. in reply to TehranSoParvaz #
@mariaBieberFan_ Ahhh, well that's too bad. You're missing out on the fun in reply to mariaBieberFan_ #
@DittiePE I like that, but police don't have as good of a sense of humor as we do ;-) in reply to DittiePE #
@LeighChamplin I'll do my best. There's no place to perform up here, so I don't know where I am right now in reply to LeighChamplin #
@LeighChamplin I agree. It's frustrating because the only two comedy places book their own guys from NYC. No locals allowed to perform in reply to LeighChamplin #
This is why I love Maddox: http://bit.ly/cdVa8r #
@LeighChamplin Thems the breaks. I'll wait until I have a book published before I do anything on that front in reply to LeighChamplin #
Cat owners: This comic speaks nothing but the truth! http://bit.ly/8ZIl9v #
@maxhuffman Welcome to the incessant ringing club. We're working on taking knives away from our members. in reply to maxhuffman #
@v8classic I'm totally going to do it. The people of Twitter have demanded it! in reply to v8classic #
@maxhuffman I'll get the spoon in reply to maxhuffman #
Going to see Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World at the drive-in, which means suffering through Vampires Suck first. #
The plan is to laugh ironically and try not to commit suicide while watching Vampires Suck. #
I think there should be a support group for people who survived screenings of Vampires Suck. #
@cricketfox We wanted to see Scott Pilgrim. Vampires Suck was on before it. in reply to cricketfox #
@v8classic My wrists are still bleeding … So, no. in reply to v8classic #
@eflester Make sure you watch his other video too. He has always done great work and has been at it as long as I have (1997) in reply to eflester #
@nicholaswinston I'm not going to lie, I hated Avatar, but I totally agree. in reply to nicholaswinston #
@HonestJonesy Watching Vampires Suck is on par with a stranger breaking into your house and punching you in the face. in reply to HonestJonesy #
@Chewie84 You know? I'd prefer the Twilight film over that holocaust of cinematography. in reply to Chewie84 #
@ROBINSEGGS then look out because I'm coming to a town near you! in reply to ROBINSEGGS #
@cricketfox Oh no, Scott Pilgrim is a great film that everyone should see twice. Vampires Suck is as bad as the worst film ever made. in reply to cricketfox #
@sithwert Do NOT like! in reply to sithwert #
@alisausa I enjoyed it as well in reply to alisausa #
I need to curl into a ball and cry for a while over seeing Vampires Suck. This film is proof god hates us and wants us to suffer. #
@MarilynSanti zing. in reply to MarilynSanti #
@sithwert Yes. Those guys need to be stopped. I won't rule out murder either. in reply to sithwert #
@Smatti253 God doesn't hate you, he just doesn't wan you to see that film. in reply to Smatti253 #
@marihawebster There are three Canadian jokes. None of them were funny. Just like the film. in reply to marihawebster #
@sboulton I'm about to watch it. in reply to sboulton #
@marihawebster well said. in reply to marihawebster #
You know, I was going to stay up to watch TNA Impact, but after watching Vampires Suck, I think I have suffered enough for one night. #
The White Sox play at U.S. Cellular Field. If that ball park name doesn't strike fear in the hearts of men, I don't know what does. #
@Veronicaleeanne Had no choice, it was a double feature and it went on first. I could have arrived late, but didn't bring the knife with me. in reply to Veronicaleeanne #
"Dracula, I fucked your wife. And now, I shall fuck you! … Figuratively" (Dracula & Kittens http://www.draculaandkittens.com) #
@v8classic Always busy. Very impatient. Story of my life. in reply to v8classic #
@DittiePE Tell your friends and family: Vampires Suck was the most joyless time of my life. in reply to DittiePE #
@GinaBrillon You're right. But "sucks" is the understatement of the century. in reply to GinaBrillon #
@NazareenE That's great advice. I did the guest posting thing for about a year but for comedy the style on the web is so visual now. in reply to NazareenE #
@TallGirl68 There's a Petco Park? in reply to TallGirl68 #
@Veronicaleeanne Exactly! in reply to Veronicaleeanne #
The Daily 10 did a segment about dressing your kids like a celebrity. If I have a boy, I'm dressing him like Lady GaGa. Thanks E! #
@sayhi09 I totally would. I mean, he would have to carry a knife on him, but E! has spoken! in reply to sayhi09 #
@hardlynormal The Wellington and there is also a holiday inn express on 8th by Port Authority but watch out at night by that one. in reply to hardlynormal #
The NYT: Paris Hilton being arressted for cocaine is not news. Paris Hilton being murdered by a fan in the middle of a cocaine binge is. #
@sayhi09 You know I'm kidding around, right? in reply to sayhi09 #
@ChicaTierna I think so. These people are so sad. in reply to ChicaTierna #
Why hasn't Glen Beck changed his name to "White Jesus" yet? #
@DittiePE "Winners don't use drugs" in reply to DittiePE #
On my second hour of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I finally get it. The Kardashians are murderous cyborgs powered by our attention. #
Seriously. Look at Kim Kardashian during the interview segments and tell me there's something beyond semen running through those veins. #
@eugewarrock Try to suplex at least two of then. in reply to eugewarrock #
@eugewarrock *them in reply to eugewarrock #
@yeknomgod The bug zapper is not a bad idea at all. in reply to yeknomgod #
I don't think Ryan Seacrest is gay, but I also just discovered he has a golden cylandrical object he puts in his mouth every day. #
It's a microphone. Perverts. #
@eugewarrock White Jesus himself? in reply to eugewarrock #
Al Qaeda says a lot of things, but they never tell you where they get their stylish clothes. #
@yeknomgod Or at the very least place them in the same room as the bug zapper … in reply to yeknomgod #
@Ayannana In French? in reply to Ayannana #
@Ayannana Thanks! I don't speak Mexican either … in reply to Ayannana #
@Queeny38 So what you're saying is, the members of Al Qaeda are big customers at Bed, Bath, and Beyond? in reply to Queeny38 #
@ValuePagesGroup Not for another thousand years if I can help it in reply to ValuePagesGroup #
@ChicaTierna It must be hard to shop out of a cave. Where does UPS even go to drop their stuff off? in reply to ChicaTierna #
@Pat__Attack I know what I'm dressing up as for Halloween. in reply to Pat__Attack #
White Jesus spotted in the wild! RT @eugewarrock: That's Glenn beck. Yknow all blurry. http://twitpic.com/2j2egy #
@yeknomgod It's too late for Bruce … all those drugs. in reply to yeknomgod #
@shikinfo It's you're , not your. in reply to shikinfo #
A man died mid-flight today. Cause of death? The reporters are saying it was a heart attack, but I think it was the inflight movie. #
Stand by for several tweets concerning TNA wrestling followed by #TNA #
@Sharlensmith It absolutely is. in reply to Sharlensmith #
I like Dixie Carter, but she won't be nominated for an Emmy any time soon. #TNA #
@sboulton Really? I haven't bothered with Reaction. After the second hour my brain turns off and I start to pick my nose. in reply to sboulton #
Jeff Hardy, what the fuck is on your face? #TNA #
Winning the TNA world title is like placing second at a shit-eating contest. So, everyone needs to calm the fuck down. #TNA #
@Woohoo_Barz Dude. That's the line of the day! in reply to Woohoo_Barz #
@sboulton I will check it out this week. Sounds interesting! in reply to sboulton #
So-Cal Val needs a shirt that says, "So-Cal Val won't take your shit!" #TNA #
Two things that shouldn't go together: Professional wrestler promos and shopping malls. #TNA #
Exception: I would be cool with the Undertaker, in character, trying to return his trenchcoat at Sears. #
Stevie Richards: Jean shorts are not the appropriate attire for fighting a monster, no matter how lame they might be. #TNA #
YNN: If you don't kill Lights Camera Jackson, I WILL! #
Well done YNN. You have displaced my homicidal rage toward LCJ with affection for the pretty weekend weather girl. #
@hardlynormal Links are your best friends, write as much as you can in reply to hardlynormal #
@hardlynormal Man's (and woman's )gotta do what a man (or woman) gotta do. You have to take advantage of the attention before it's gone. in reply to hardlynormal #
YNN's Courtney Frotone (is that her last name?) I am now stalking you. #
@rusty_shackles For illiterate survivalist psychos, they sure have neat handwriting. in reply to rusty_shackles #
@MikeBucc Do you not find the weekend weather girl to be awesome? in reply to MikeBucc #
@MikeBucc Really? Lights Camera Jackson fills me with uncontrollable rage. If I knew where YNN was located, I'd drive there to kill him in reply to MikeBucc #
@MikeBucc God I hope not. But, let me know the address so I can send weather girl flowers and a letter written in crayon. in reply to MikeBucc #
@MikeBucc all kidding aside, I wish LCJ well. As long as he's not on my television. in reply to MikeBucc #
@MikeBucc Courtney looks like she could be a Syracuse student. in reply to MikeBucc #
Be patient. Everyone sucks at first. #
FYI YNN's weekend meterologists name is Courtney Furtado. Hilarity may ensue in a future column. For now, I need construction paper… #
Glen Beck: “America today begins to turn back to God" God's response: "Whoa. Find another God. You people scare the shit out of me." #
Palin: "We must not fundamentally transform America as some would want; we must restore America and restore her honor." She then asked 1/2 #
Palin then asked the crowd if any of them wants to attend a donkey show with her. 2/2 #
@HighMindedMW That seems to be the new trend on sports sites, but in the Cubs case, they want to extend fan suffering as much as possible. in reply to HighMindedMW #
I really want to see the people in Al Qaeda get a fashion makeover on Bravo. You know you would watch that. #
@cricketfox It's our only hope in winning the war on terror! in reply to cricketfox #
"Now when you're terrorizing innocent people you'll look fabulous!" #
@flying_c4rr0t I try to be. in reply to flying_c4rr0t #
@johncsmith88 I can imagine. When I saw Beck live last month I was waiting for them to announce the location of that evenings cross burning. in reply to johncsmith88 #
@oskaaron Dude. That would be fantastic. No wonder we can't find them. They're hiding in the ocean! in reply to oskaaron #
I'm sitting here smiling and pretending to enjoy the work of Sandra Bullock. #
@oskaaron It's part of the joy of being married. in reply to oskaaron #
@hardlynormal What days will you be in NYC? in reply to hardlynormal #
Everyone wants me to move to NYC, but none of them know I was voted most likely to be mugged in high school. #
@yepitspat Where about? in reply to yepitspat #
@hardlynormal Cool. We're moving to a new apartment this week but I shall ask the wife If I can come on down to see you. in reply to hardlynormal #
@yepitspat Sorry to hear. in reply to yepitspat #
Mom was born and raised in Brooklyn, Dad in the Bronx. I think I'd be an asshole and pick Staten Island. #
@yepitspat Very glad to hear it. in reply to yepitspat #
After moving to NYC, you're supposed to find the baddest motherfucker and pants them, right? #
These are things I need to know. #
@theisb What movie is it? in reply to theisb #
@brodyrocks Did you see the
Second part to that tweet:-)? in reply to brodyrocks #
I think I'm going to chop my hand off to get out of packing. Anyone have an axe I can borrow? #
@GinaBrillon Thanks. I can't wait to do these live some day. in reply to GinaBrillon #
@dudeman718 I agree on the volume, but that's nothing you can't easily fix. Everything else (the high RTs and links) is a good thing in reply to dudeman718 #
@dani3boyz I don't mind the unpacking oddly enough. It's the gathering that puts me into an uncontrollable rage … moreso in reply to dani3boyz #
@iLoVeMe31 I appreciate that. in reply to iLoVeMe31 #
@angelmommy When I get one, I shall send it your way in reply to angelmommy #
@Theoneupper I like the way you think sir. in reply to Theoneupper #
@FFXZeldagames It would be hard to man a Flip and cut off my own hand at the same time in reply to FFXZeldagames #
@dudeman718 I try to limit tweets to a four or five an hour unless I'm live tweeting Monday Night Raw or something stupid like #SLAT in reply to dudeman718 #
@dudeman718 Sometimes I get really bored;-). But five seems to be the right amount between entertaining and annoying I've been told. in reply to dudeman718 #
@dudeman718 Remember though: It's all about what you want to do on here. It doesn't matter what other people think. in reply to dudeman718 #
Everyone wants to know how I stay so thin, but they don't like it when I tell them it's because of Raisin Bran Crunch #
@dani3boyz At least you know where it is! in reply to dani3boyz #
@chiicaa_m I reached 20,000? Had no idea. When can I expect @Twitter to send me a check? in reply to chiicaa_m #
20,000 tweets and still no book deal. Was it something I said? #
@chiicaa_m I'm dedicating my 20,000th tweet to you. in reply to chiicaa_m #
@TheOnlyPoca It's part of my balanced breakfast. in reply to TheOnlyPoca #
@ValuePagesGroup I think I may have the least sponsor-friendly feed on Twitter at this point … in reply to ValuePagesGroup #
@CelebrityBEE YES! ;-) in reply to CelebrityBEE #
@worldwidejake You might be right. Oh well. I'm making the healthy choice with my breakfast cereal, so I got that going for me! in reply to worldwidejake #
@bellabernella That's more mean than anything else. If she were killed by the McDonalds employees and then served as Mcnugget I'd like it in reply to bellabernella #
@lizisaacslwc I used to, but the truth is unless people want to take matters into their own hands, everything anyone says is useless in reply to lizisaacslwc #
@lizisaacslwc Oh I get it, you're saying it's on me. I've done all that though, forYEARS. in reply to lizisaacslwc #
@bellabernella Ha, I still appreciated the video. Never saw that one before in reply to bellabernella #
@lizisaacslwc I appreciate it in reply to lizisaacslwc #
@kskopek Went down that road for a project to promote the early detection of cancer, it didn't end so well ;-) in reply to kskopek #
@deliziosa People just can't handle the truth in reply to deliziosa #
@ValuePagesGroup Nah, there's enough people who think I faked the number of followers I have, so I don't want to give them ammo in reply to ValuePagesGroup #
So, I learned something today. If you recognize a porn star in a non-porn setting, and you wife wants to know where you know them from, lie. #
@NeilDuly Thanks to the numerous Republicans who use that tactic and later get caught, I don't think most would be successful. in reply to NeilDuly #
@ChicaTierna It was Stacey Burke, appearing on Kendra in reply to ChicaTierna #
Want dating advice from someone with no business giving it? Ask me and I may use your question in a future column. #
@Veronicaleeanne I can see that being used against me in divorce court … in reply to Veronicaleeanne #
@ChicaTierna She's into playing dress-up, all I'm saying. in reply to ChicaTierna #
@BoxlessThought Ah good one! I shall answer it. in reply to BoxlessThought #
FYI I'll keep anyone who sends in dating questions as anonymous for the column. You can also email me at brandon at brandonmendelson dot com #
@Veronicaleeanne Excellent point in reply to Veronicaleeanne #
I'm fucking Batman! http://bit.ly/cPVxKP #
@dotsboy Anything and everything. in reply to dotsboy #
@NeilDuly You are a smarter man than I in reply to NeilDuly #
@DrPhilMcrackin I really like the term "Sex Ape". I will make sure to answer this in an upcoming column in reply to DrPhilMcrackin #
@dotsboy I do not! I always hated Robin. I think if Batman was truly a sociopath, he wouldn't have a sidekick. in reply to dotsboy #
@KitchenGuyMT Ha. Click the link. IT will explain everything in reply to KitchenGuyMT #
@pedenan It's a comic that will answer your question in reply to pedenan #
Desperate Sex Ape would be an awesome name for a band. #
@worldwidejake I think that one would be pretty great too in reply to worldwidejake #
@bbrandon5567 @bbrandon5567 Sounds like a solid plan to me. in reply to bbrandon5567 #
@B2BSinger The link answers that question in reply to B2BSinger #
@rjamestaylor Now that is a classy name for a band in reply to rjamestaylor #
Hipster Dinosaurs http://bit.ly/9gbI9d #
@B2BSinger Ha, I appreciate it. I always have to check, a lot of people don't bother to click on the links in reply to B2BSinger #
It's against the law to have more than one wife in Canada. Just thought you should know … #
@agent3012 Good question. I assume if they live in two different countries you're in the clear! in reply to agent3012 #
@bellabernella Too bad those places are total shit-holes in reply to bellabernella #
@zemat84 That's a very good question. I'm adding it to the list! in reply to zemat84 #
The Best Anti-Glenn Beck Signs At The Glenn Beck Rally http://bzfd.it/bysT1w #
@Cazaroo Is it really? in reply to Cazaroo #
Just applied to be an extra on MTV's I Just Want My Pants Back. I doubt they'll take me, but with a title like that, I just had to! #
@Cazaroo MADNESS in reply to Cazaroo #
@dotsboy I won't hold my breath. in reply to dotsboy #
There's something about putting all my clothes into a plastic bag that makes me feel like a hobo #
@zwartgat You can only put so much into a suitcase … in reply to zwartgat #
@zwartgat You're taking my tweets way too literally. I'm using plastic bags to store clothes to make it easier to move them this week. in reply to zwartgat #
@AussiBeachLover I was hired to write one. It's going to be fun! in reply to AussiBeachLover #
@AussiBeachLover She should lie to. in reply to AussiBeachLover #
@zwartgat You may still have to. If I get divorced, I plan on visiting everyone who follows me. in reply to zwartgat #
Wife: "Why are you using the Internet when you have my brain right here?" #
@BabyCypha ha! in reply to BabyCypha #
@Cheryl_08 Didn't you see my earlier tweet? I'm Batman! in reply to Cheryl_08 #
Just removed the last piece of Bender's hiding spot for the move. He's looking at me with eyes that say, "Fuck you tall white man." #

Twitter Updates for 2010-08-29

Brandon Mendelson — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 09:00:00 +0000

"Dracula, I fucked your wife. And now, I shall fuck you! … Figuratively" (Dracula & Kittens http://www.draculaandkittens.com) #
@v8classic Always busy. Very impatient. Story of my life. in reply to v8classic #
@DittiePE Tell your friends and family: Vampires Suck was the most joyless time of my life. in reply to DittiePE #
@GinaBrillon You're right. But "sucks" is the understatement of the century. in reply to GinaBrillon #
@NazareenE That's great advice. I did the guest posting thing for about a year but for comedy the style on the web is so visual now. in reply to NazareenE #
@TallGirl68 There's a Petco Park? in reply to TallGirl68 #
@Veronicaleeanne Exactly! in reply to Veronicaleeanne #
The Daily 10 did a segment about dressing your kids like a celebrity. If I have a boy, I'm dressing him like Lady GaGa. Thanks E! #
@sayhi09 I totally would. I mean, he would have to carry a knife on him, but E! has spoken! in reply to sayhi09 #
@hardlynormal The Wellington and there is also a holiday inn express on 8th by Port Authority but watch out at night by that one. in reply to hardlynormal #
The NYT: Paris Hilton being arressted for cocaine is not news. Paris Hilton being murdered by a fan in the middle of a cocaine binge is. #
@sayhi09 You know I'm kidding around, right? in reply to sayhi09 #
@ChicaTierna I think so. These people are so sad. in reply to ChicaTierna #
Why hasn't Glen Beck changed his name to "White Jesus" yet? #
@DittiePE "Winners don't use drugs" in reply to DittiePE #
On my second hour of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I finally get it. The Kardashians are murderous cyborgs powered by our attention. #
Seriously. Look at Kim Kardashian during the interview segments and tell me there's something beyond semen running through those veins. #
@eugewarrock Try to suplex at least two of then. in reply to eugewarrock #
@eugewarrock *them in reply to eugewarrock #
@yeknomgod The bug zapper is not a bad idea at all. in reply to yeknomgod #
I don't think Ryan Seacrest is gay, but I also just discovered he has a golden cylandrical object he puts in his mouth every day. #
It's a microphone. Perverts. #
@eugewarrock White Jesus himself? in reply to eugewarrock #
Al Qaeda says a lot of things, but they never tell you where they get their stylish clothes. #
@yeknomgod Or at the very least place them in the same room as the bug zapper … in reply to yeknomgod #
@Ayannana In French? in reply to Ayannana #
@Ayannana Thanks! I don't speak Mexican either … in reply to Ayannana #
@Queeny38 So what you're saying is, the members of Al Qaeda are big customers at Bed, Bath, and Beyond? in reply to Queeny38 #
@ValuePagesGroup Not for another thousand years if I can help it in reply to ValuePagesGroup #
@ChicaTierna It must be hard to shop out of a cave. Where does UPS even go to drop their stuff off? in reply to ChicaTierna #
@Pat__Attack I know what I'm dressing up as for Halloween. in reply to Pat__Attack #
White Jesus spotted in the wild! RT @eugewarrock: That's Glenn beck. Yknow all blurry. http://twitpic.com/2j2egy #
@yeknomgod It's too late for Bruce … all those drugs. in reply to yeknomgod #
@shikinfo It's you're , not your. in reply to shikinfo #
A man died mid-flight today. Cause of death? The reporters are saying it was a heart attack, but I think it was the inflight movie. #
Stand by for several tweets concerning TNA wrestling followed by #TNA #
@Sharlensmith It absolutely is. in reply to Sharlensmith #
I like Dixie Carter, but she won't be nominated for an Emmy any time soon. #TNA #
@sboulton Really? I haven't bothered with Reaction. After the second hour my brain turns off and I start to pick my nose. in reply to sboulton #
Jeff Hardy, what the fuck is on your face? #TNA #
Winning the TNA world title is like placing second at a shit-eating contest. So, everyone needs to calm the fuck down. #TNA #
@Woohoo_Barz Dude. That's the line of the day! in reply to Woohoo_Barz #
@sboulton I will check it out this week. Sounds interesting! in reply to sboulton #
So-Cal Val needs a shirt that says, "So-Cal Val won't take your shit!" #TNA #
Two things that shouldn't go together: Professional wrestler promos and shopping malls. #TNA #
Exception: I would be cool with the Undertaker, in character, trying to return his trenchcoat at Sears. #
Stevie Richards: Jean shorts are not the appropriate attire for fighting a monster, no matter how lame they might be. #TNA #
YNN: If you don't kill Lights Camera Jackson, I WILL! #
Well done YNN. You have displaced my homicidal rage toward LCJ with affection for the pretty weekend weather girl. #
@hardlynormal Links are your best friends, write as much as you can in reply to hardlynormal #
@hardlynormal Man's (and woman's )gotta do what a man (or woman) gotta do. You have to take advantage of the attention before it's gone. in reply to hardlynormal #
YNN's Courtney Frotone (is that her last name?) I am now stalking you. #
@rusty_shackles For illiterate survivalist psychos, they sure have neat handwriting. in reply to rusty_shackles #
@MikeBucc Do you not find the weekend weather girl to be awesome? in reply to MikeBucc #
@MikeBucc Really? Lights Camera Jackson fills me with uncontrollable rage. If I knew where YNN was located, I'd drive there to kill him in reply to MikeBucc #
@MikeBucc God I hope not. But, let me know the address so I can send weather girl flowers and a letter written in crayon. in reply to MikeBucc #
@MikeBucc all kidding aside, I wish LCJ well. As long as he's not on my television. in reply to MikeBucc #
@MikeBucc Courtney looks like she could be a Syracuse student. in reply to MikeBucc #
Be patient. Everyone sucks at first. #
FYI YNN's weekend meterologists name is Courtney Furtado. Hilarity may ensue in a future column. For now, I need construction paper… #
Glen Beck: “America today begins to turn back to God" God's response: "Whoa. Find another God. You people scare the shit out of me." #
Palin: "We must not fundamentally transform America as some would want; we must restore America and restore her honor." She then asked 1/2 #
Palin then asked the crowd if any of them wants to attend a donkey show with her. 2/2 #
@HighMindedMW That seems to be the new trend on sports sites, but in the Cubs case, they want to extend fan suffering as much as possible. in reply to HighMindedMW #
I really want to see the people in Al Qaeda get a fashion makeover on Bravo. You know you would watch that. #
@cricketfox It's our only hope in winning the war on terror! in reply to cricketfox #
"Now when you're terrorizing innocent people you'll look fabulous!" #
@flying_c4rr0t I try to be. in reply to flying_c4rr0t #
@johncsmith88 I can imagine. When I saw Beck live last month I was waiting for them to announce the location of that evenings cross burning. in reply to johncsmith88 #
@oskaaron Dude. That would be fantastic. No wonder we can't find them. They're hiding in the ocean! in reply to oskaaron #
I'm sitting here smiling and pretending to enjoy the work of Sandra Bullock. #
@oskaaron It's part of the joy of being married. in reply to oskaaron #
@hardlynormal What days will you be in NYC? in reply to hardlynormal #
Everyone wants me to move to NYC, but none of them know I was voted most likely to be mugged in high school. #
@yepitspat Where about? in reply to yepitspat #
@hardlynormal Cool. We're moving to a new apartment this week but I shall ask the wife If I can come on down to see you. in reply to hardlynormal #
@yepitspat Sorry to hear. in reply to yepitspat #
Mom was born and raised in Brooklyn, Dad in the Bronx. I think I'd be an asshole and pick Staten Island. #
@yepitspat Very glad to hear it. in reply to yepitspat #
After moving to NYC, you're supposed to find the baddest motherfucker and pants them, right? #
These are things I need to know. #
@theisb What movie is it? in reply to theisb #
@brodyrocks Did you see the
Second part to that tweet:-)? in reply to brodyrocks #
I think I'm going to chop my hand off to get out of packing. Anyone have an axe I can borrow? #