Astonishing Tales Of Mediocrity: The Brandon Mendelson Story

Twitter Updates for 2010-08-27

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I've been thinking about working at Walmart as a Greeter. Think they'll let me welcome customers with my knife? #
@iamhaen Fact: I am already in their system as a greeter. in reply to iamhaen #
@micklirish Zip my fly? But how else will I rebel against the white man? in reply to micklirish #
@aprilhebert I have shaky hands. I may not get further than WelWalMrt on each of them. in reply to aprilhebert #
@westcoastdevfan I'm actually an "inactive employee" with them as a greeter. But you're right, senility has not set in yet. in reply to westcoastdevfan #
I would need a new knife. Walmart customers usually start with Bowie knives and go up the knife food chain from there. #
@SEXITRICEYIAM He has kids!? in reply to SEXITRICEYIAM #
@westcoastdevfan Zing! in reply to westcoastdevfan #
@iamhaen Wouldn't that be awesome? in reply to iamhaen #
Have you been through Walmart orientation? They make you play a "History of Walmart" board game. It's like Monopoly but everyone is crying. #
@marihawebster I pledge to never intetionally stab you. in reply to marihawebster #
They also tell you about all the ways you can die while working at Walmart. Not discussed: How to do your job. #
Think concentration camps are depressing? Eat lunch in a Walmart breakroom some time. #
The upside? You get a locker to put your stuff. The downside? Your manager stores their weed there. #
@westcoastdevfan I've never been to the Midwest but I don't doubt it. in reply to westcoastdevfan #
The only chair Walmart Greeters can sit in are the ones God gave them. #
To bed, where the only person I can offend is the cat. That's his own fault for sitting so close to my ass. #
@SupMikeyDawg The one and the same. in reply to SupMikeyDawg #
@NickFreeland I can't think of any either, but as I do I'll send them your way in reply to NickFreeland #
@frednertz They are like people, that's why I tolerate their existence on this earth. in reply to frednertz #
Renegotiate your contracts with a headbutt #
Among other white people, you may refer to each other as Cottonballs. #
@BabyCypha Ha, isn't it a great term? I'm now calling all my white friends Cottonballs from now on in reply to BabyCypha #
@LiquidIvory I haven't hit critical mass yet the way @ShitMyDadSays did. I may never. IF I do, there will be a book. Tell your friends! in reply to LiquidIvory #
@AshleyEN No problem, it's kind of my thing. Make sure to tell your friends! in reply to AshleyEN #
I don't drink often, but when I do, I drink Drano. Keep the pipes clean my friends. #
@DittiePE It can be! in reply to DittiePE #
I want to thank @gawker for informing me of the existence of "Squat Evangelists". They're exactly what you think they are. #
If a kid eggs your house, find them at school the next day and egg them in front of their friends. #
@moneyries That's a great concept you have going there. in reply to moneyries #
@LiquidIvory You know, I had no idea I was that close to 20,000 tweets. That's sort of scary. in reply to LiquidIvory #
Facebook ruins another job interview. http://bit.ly/a9GRB1 #
You know what's easier than packing? Constructing a human centipede. #
Areed RT @Cinnameg: No two words ruin a fine afternoon quite as effectively as "human centipede." #
Wow. Did I just type Areed instead of Agreed? I'm going to go into the closet and whip myself forty times like that guy in The Da Vinci Code #
@CandidCarrie No can do, although I may set-up a web cam and charge people to watch. I'll keep you posted in reply to CandidCarrie #
. @DittiePE I don't check my grammar and spelling as closely as I should on Twitter to show humanity my contempt for it. #
@theisb What's the definitive Squirrel Girl story? #AskChris in reply to theisb #
Make sure you know how to whistle the theme song to the Golden Girls. Doing so in the middle of a fight is critical to your success. #
Sub-Zero Wins http://bit.ly/bbgY70 #
@Ayannana Do you regularly sing "Thank you for being a friend" in the middle of a fist fight? in reply to Ayannana #
@Ayannana Then you are my new hero (for today) in reply to Ayannana #
Hipster Hitler is my new favorite webcomic http://bit.ly/apNDCA #
If you're down with polygamy, I'm so in. RT @hipsterhitler: @BJMendelson its time to put a ring on it! #
My wife is taking me outside for a walk. If I go #1 and #2 she promised to get me a snausage! #
@HEMIMUSIC It loads for me. Try it again and let me know. in reply to HEMIMUSIC #
@brooklarios Thanks! I need all the points I can get. in reply to brooklarios #
If you know someone who had the original Playstation, but didn't own Final Fantasy 7, they should be executed immediately. #
Reguarding that last tweet: The 90's called, they said to stop making fun of them. #
@Pat__Attack Me neither, 7 was an exception for me. I preferred mindless stuff like Destruction Derby. in reply to Pat__Attack #
Changed the litter to an Eco-friendly brand. Fry and Bender refuse to use it. Their punishment will be to watch TNA Impact with me tonight. #
Join me in a moment of silent prayer to mark the cancellation of Little People Big World, the funniest show on television. #
@hot_mom_in_cali Fresh Step, it's the new one with pine mixed in. in reply to hot_mom_in_cali #
@MeganPSHouston You are correct, they're both named after the characters on Futurama:-) in reply to MeganPSHouston #
@chicabella That might still happen. in reply to chicabella #
Good news: Scott Pilgrim will be playing at the Glen Drive In starting tomorrow. Bad news: Vampires Suck is on first. WTF. #
Having to watch Vampires Suck before Scott Pilgrim is like choping your dick off before going on a date with a slutty Wonder Woman. #
@MitchamesTX It's so true though. in reply to MitchamesTX #
@kristishaver They're too busy counting their money to care. in reply to kristishaver #
@chicabella It's weird. They're Angels on everything BUT the choice of litter. in reply to chicabella #
@DittiePE A nap is not a bad idea. If I had wi-fi, I'd live tweet the film. in reply to DittiePE #
A man is facing charges that he punched a baby. Again, some of you are taking my tweets too seriously. #
@chicabella Ahh, you have one of those. in reply to chicabella #
@edwardhalim YES! in reply to edwardhalim #
@stateoftheA_R_T Any movie made by those particular filmmakers is usually considered among the worst films ever made. So, yes:-) in reply to stateoftheA_R_T #
@Pat__Attack Precisely. in reply to Pat__Attack #
Just got back from Lake George where an old woman in a motorized wheel chair almost ran me down. Are those things even street legal? #
Facebook just asked me to "Share the latest news" … with my wife. I guess it's time to tell her I'm pregnant. #
Do you think God hears fireworks and says, "I thought I told you to keep that shit down!" #
Faceron (Facebook) is trying to trademark the words "Face" And "Book". This company can't die fast enough. #
@giakat It's a company built around selling your information to corporations. What's to like? in reply to giakat #
A couple of fireworks jokes before I get out of here for the night … #
Is there anything more metal than fireworks? I submit to you that there is not. Explosions + Sulfur = METAL! #
@SEXITRICEYIAM I do not. in reply to SEXITRICEYIAM #
@giakat Yes, but now that they're rich they're rubbing your face in it. in reply to giakat #
What the ducks on Lake George think during the fireworks show: "Holy shit! We have to get the fuck out of here. The sky is exploding!" #
@Cinnameg Right now? On a toilet in Glens Falls. That's where I do all my tweeting. in reply to Cinnameg #
@PatsTwist Easy for you to say, I'm the one who has to share the uncomfortable truth. in reply to PatsTwist #
@PatsTwist (that's my way of saying, Thanks for the RT!) in reply to PatsTwist #
Today is #followfriday . If you tell your friends to follow me, the next time I give you candy I promise to take out the razor blades. #
@Cinnameg Ahhhh. That's awesome and freaky. I wish I had that as a mutant power. in reply to Cinnameg #
@Cinnameg Ha! I promise nothing. in reply to Cinnameg #

posted: 10 August 27
under: Twitter